10 things every semi-tall female with eyes and fingers should ask on a first date

Wait, did you just say you don’t like dogs?

I know we usually write about dicks and how gross people with dicks are here at Feminist Current, but I recently read a Stunning and Brave article listing “10 Things Every Intersectional Feminist Should Ask On a First Date” at Everyday Feminism, and was inspired to write my own version. For those like me who have been on a lot of dates but also know that most people are boring and terrible, I’m hopeful these guidelines will offer some direction.

As a semi-tall female with eyes and fingers, I keep close relationships with human beings and dogs of all sizes; they are true accomplices in the fight against dogphobia, semi-tall supremacy, and the feeling of emptiness and despair I assume comes along with being dogless. If you’re not going to support dogs, then we can’t be friends, let alone date. The puppo is political.

Beyond the hugs, happiness, and conversation that we receive from our platonic pets (which are, in all honesty, soul-feeding and essential), feminists also date! But there are questions we have to ask before we get close to someone.

1) Do you believe that dogs are better than people?

Yes? Wonderful. Let’s start here. There are three categories that are non-negotiables for me: an understanding that dogs sleep in the bed, that dog-feelings are more important than human-feelings, and that I love my dog more than you. Anyone who doesn’t understand these rules is probably going to feel bad about how much more I like my dog than them.

I don’t want to have to have labourious discussions where I have to prove to someone that dogs rule and cats drool. If they are willing to learn and listen and make the space to decenter their wrong ideas about our dog lords, that’s a good place to start.

2) What are your thoughts on pepperoni and beef jerky?

The cured meat binary is a tiny box and I wish it didn’t exist, but it does. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who is salamiphobic. One out of many important elements to dismantling cured meat bigotry is to abolish people who don’t like beef jerky as well as the limited understanding that we have about pepperoni. I can’t imagine being with someone who is salamiphobic — as a semi-tall female with eyes and fingers, it would be a betrayal of what I like to eat with my dog. Ignoring my identity as someone who likes to share beef jerky with her dog would be to deny that I exist, meaning that I would be dead.

3) How do you work to pretend to be interesting?

I’ve met some incredibly boring (incbor) men. They say they have interests, but their interests are bad. Sometimes they don’t like dogs and beef jerky, sometimes they think that “running” is an interest. Maybe they love us as much as they love running, but running is awful. It is crucial for incbor men to learn how to decenter their lack of interesting interests in order for them to understand that I don’t want to hear a single word come out of their stupid mouths.

Beyond Conversation Skills 101 (ask questions, you fucking nob), does the person you are with understand that you are more interesting than they are and that they should probably stfu and bring you some beef jerky? Are they willing to learn if they don’t? Being boring is worse than the pay gap. Walk away from anyone who believes they are interesting when they are not but who refuses to stop talking nonetheless.

4) What are your thoughts on all the TV shows I like?

You may scratch your head at this one, but much like salamiphobia and anti-dog bigotry, I can’t date you if you don’t like the TV shows I like. Not really into Bob’s Burgers? You have a bad sense of humour, which means you are insufferable.

Likewise, if you didn’t watch the original Twin Peaks and don’t love Julia Louis-Dreyfus, I don’t know why we are having this conversation.

5) Are you a supporter of exercising in the morning on weekends? Do you think board games are fun? Plus, you don’t have a dog? Is this life? 

6) Who is your favorite couple on Vanderpump Rules?

lol trick question obviously it’s Tom and Ariana.

7) Do you think putting mushrooms on a pizza is acceptable?

Pizza is imperative. If your date wants to ruin your pizza with mushrooms, there is a good chance they are gross.

8) Can it be illegal to put mushrooms on a pizza?

Of course. We live on a tiny planet, with land and water within a galaxy surrounded by a universe with an inconceivable number of other galaxies and planets. Yet, here, we can have any kind of pizza we want and are, therefore, allowed to stop doing disgusting things to pizza. It’s mind-boggling that mushrooms are even a thing; to put them on pizza inhumane and despicable.

9) Will you please bring me some prosecco?

I can’t think of any other passion which has been vilified and lied about more than drinking and how great it is to drink. I don’t identify as an alcoholic, so I will stay in my lane, but I cannot imagine for a second even claiming to be a really great person to be around if I didn’t love numerous forms of alcohol, including wine, whiskey, and prosecco.

Don’t waste your time and energy on dating someone who won’t buy you shots of whiskey at the bar or who won’t open your prosecco for you because you are 38-years-old but still too scared to do it yourself.

10) Does your allyship include douchebags?

On a date with someone who openly enjoys EDM? Do they read self-help books or identify as “a free spirit”? Wait, are those sunglasses on his hat? Have you been sitting across from this person for two hours and they still don’t know what you do for work, how your day was, or whether or not you like green-flavoured candy or wear jeans inside your house (not, you freak)? Why is this happening to you when you could be at home on the couch, in no-elastic sweatpants, sharing beef jerky with your dog? Walk away.

Meghan Murphy
Meghan Murphy

Founder & Editor

Meghan Murphy is a freelance writer and journalist. She has been podcasting and writing about feminism since 2010 and has published work in numerous national and international publications, including New Statesman, Vice, Al Jazeera, The Globe and Mail, I-D, Truthdig, and more. Meghan completed a Masters degree in the department of Gender, Sexuality and Women’s Studies at Simon Fraser University in 2012 and lives in Vancouver, B.C. with her dog.

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  • Maeve

    Ha! Yes! Love this excellent humor. Thank you thank you.

  • Kiwipally

    I did not know about the mushroom on pizza controversy. I am behind the times, I was only aware of the pineapple on pizza controversy.

    • Meghan Murphy

      To be fair, I hate mushrooms on anything ever and do not understand the draw to mushrooms! It feels particularly offensive to me on pizza, because pizza is so great.

      • Sunil Williams

        Not sure if I agree with fungi-exclusionism

      • Kiwipally

        If we ever had pizza together, I would be happy to have separate pizzas. 🙂 This is also because I am vegetarian. Is this the correct time to mention I love cats?

        • Meghan Murphy

          The more pizza the merrier!

      • M. Zoidberg

        Agreed. Mushrooms are a pizza crime.

        • Missy

          What’s with all the mushroom hate? It’s literal violence against us mushroom lovers you know!

          You have inspired me to invent a new slang term to shame mushroomphobes- MEPL (Mushroom Exclusionary Pizza Lover)

          • Anthocerotopsida

            I’m, no joke, a tiny bit triggered by the virulent mycophobia. If my identity were a pizza, 6.5 slices of the pie would be beshroomed. The rest would be cats. And I won’t stand for this assault on my identity!

          • MotherBear84

            BeSHROOOOMED! Sounds like a spell Harry Potter would cast.

      • Missy

        How dare you…. You mushroomphobe you!!!

      • Melanie

        Anti-mushroom zealots, know this. History will judge you!

        • Meghan Murphy

          I bet Owen Jones asks for extra mushrooms on his pizza.

          • Melanie

            Did you just say that Owen Jones likes mushrooms? That’s it. I’m leaving. Again! …

    • Missy

      Then there’s freaks like me who love both mushroom and pineapple on pizza! (>_<)

      • Meghan Murphy


    • Melanie

      Not all pizzas have mushrooms. But some do. Who are we to decide if they’re pizzas or not? Why are people so obsessed with other pizzas mushrooms?

  • martindufresne

    “eyes and fingers”…???

  • Karla Gjini

    LOL forever and ever

  • Yikes.

  • Rachael

    This is pretty much the checklist I gave to my OH. Now we happily eat meats with our three puppers and I close my eyes as he opens the Prosecco! Thanks, Meghan! 🙂

    • Meghan Murphy


  • Anon

    I just read the original article and holy shit the cringe is just too much. I really want to slap some sense into whoever wrote that pile of garbage (I can’t say woman because I’m not even sure what they are). The sex work and Islam ones are the worst. “Don’t waste your time and energy on dating someone who thinks that Islam is inherently violent or misogynistic” FUCK RIGHT OFF.

    • Danielle Matheson

      Thank you! When I had a Tumblr i used to follow a lot of ex Muslim radfems and their voices are never heard. Ever.

      And these pro sexwork people are terrible. Never have I heard them utter a damn word about how to end sex trafficking of women and children!

  • prancingbug

    Thank you for standing up against incbor and alcoholophobia, you are so brave and you’ve really empowered me to feel more like I’m an individual. Dogs are also ok, although honestly its cats all the way for me but like we live in a free world and we’re all just trying to figure it out you know?

    • Meghan Murphy

      Solidarity, cister. I trust you to Educate Yourself about your DERFiness.

  • Anon

    Also, “trans-misogynoir” WTF IS THIS??

    • Danielle Matheson

      That was my question too!

    • Kiwipally

      I think it’s men of colour claiming to be more oppressed than women of colour, but I’m not entirely sure.

    • BornACrone

      It’s the pro-anything-my-boyfriend-likes feminist’s version of “some of my best friends are black.” 🙁

  • Meghan Murphy

    Define “mushroom.”

    • Missy

      Mushroom- a fungal growth that typically takes the form of a domed cap on a stalk, often with gills on the underside of the cap.

      • Meghan Murphy

        This definition excludes cap-deficient fungal growths, bigot.

        • Missy

          But I copied and pasted that from what came up when I typed “mushroom definition” into Google! I can’t help that it was written by some jerk, (likely a MEPL), who refuses to acknowledge cap-deficiency!

  • Heidi

    I watched the Twin Peaks pilot and my VCR failed to get the rest of the episodes.

    • Meghan Murphy

      You gotta watch!

  • Meghan Murphy

    Juuuuust joking! 🙂

  • Meghan Murphy

    Aw thanks. I do amuse myself from time to time!

  • Meghan Murphy

    Not everything is always about cats! Keep your cat-centric politics out of our safe dog space!

  • Alienigena

    Love home-made non-dairy mushroom soup, a special kind of savoury flavour that can be freshened up with some lemon juice. Fungi are necessary to life, in part because they form symbiotic relationships with plants (infect root systems improving nutrient uptake (specifically nitrogen) and infect germinating seeds and help break down certain hard to ‘break down’ nutrients like lipids). Don’t hate on fungi. Lichen are a composite organism – part fungus, part blue-green algae. A world without lichen! Without the reindeer who eat lichen! Are you a Christmas-phobe, Meghan? I was a plant biologist in a research lab for several years but studied vascular plants not fungi (fungi are studied by both botanists (or used to be) and microbiologists) and found them fascinating. Only something a nerd could say.

    • Meghan Murphy

      I love Christmas! I am very sad to learn about the Christmas-mushroom connection.

  • Alienigena

    Yeah, apparently cat videos make up much of the content on the Internet. I only occasionally succumb, once every few years. But generally I include cute or weird animal behaviour videos in the binge.

  • Danielle Matheson

    Transearth things! Lolz forever!!!!!!!!

  • Wren

    “Some eat stones or moonlight.”
    I’m dying, lmao!!

    • MotherBear84

      It probably was not good for my laptop, when I spewed hot coffee all over the screen and keyboard upon reading that comment!

  • Wren

    The original article reeks of the “spoiled grapes” mentality, like this person has no friends cause none of them are good enough!! When the reality is he/she doesn’t have friends cause he/she is an asshole.

    But I love this piece, and it makes me wonder how I ever survived without FC. Thanks, Meghan!!

    • Meghan Murphy


  • Faradn

    “pro-heauxism” WTF

  • Meghan Murphy

    I know a mushroom when I’ve eaten one! NO MUSHROOMS IN MY PIZZA/PASTA/SALADS. #mushroomfreespaceissafespace

  • calabasa

    As a semi-short female with lips and toes, no pets, and a love of portobellos on pizza (baby bella’s pizza ftw!), I am seriously offended by this vertically, digitally, ocularly-privileged canine propaganda rant and its horrible anti-mushroom bigotry.

    • Tony Alexander


      • calabasa

        Why le sigh?

  • calabasa

    Oh my God the cognitive dissonance in that article. How can that person possibly believe he/she is anti-capitalist and anti-racist/pro-POC but also pro-prostitution, I mean WTF? And also “listen to sex worker’s voices?” What about the vast majority of prostituted women worldwide who when interviewed say they want out of prostitution? (Also, people who have not done something cannot have an opinion about something? Women cannot have an opinion about something that affects them)? Also, um, well, there are differences of opinion among Muslim women about Islam and its intrinsic sexism (Ayaan Hirsi Ali comes to mind), and, WTF with wanting to abolish gender roles, but being pro-trans; how does creating a dichotomy of behavior based on sex not lead to valuation of said behavior and prescriptive/proscriptive rules (i.e. gender roles)? WTF to all of it!

    If I met someone like this I would run the other way, and fast. How absolutely insufferable he/she must be on dates. At least he/she announces him/herself so you can see him/her coming from a mile away.

    Yes, there is no nuance to anything, nothing is up for debate, everyone must be exactly like you, and dates are really job interviews for the position of World’s Most Anxious Doormat.

    Criminy jicket.

  • calabasa

    Oh I forgot to say thanks Meghan–for the levity. I forgot how funny you are. (No offense. These have been serious times).

    I’m sorry for ranting again recently on here; I’ve been ranty again, and it’s not good. Not only am I still dealing with the fallout of what happened to me when I went looking for love nearly two years ago now (I remember posting about how hopeful and happy I was on the hilarious and wonderful anti-Valentine’s piece from back then), but of course it’s all been compounded recently by all of us having to relive our trauma together on the broader stage at the moment.

    It’s wonderful to read something funny and refreshing like this. We could all use more feminist humor (or just more humor from feminists). So, thanks for making me laugh today. I needed it. 🙂

    In all seriousness, about mushrooms, I hate them too. I like portabellos (but I lied about liking them on pizza; I was just trying to be pithy, and sarcastically catty. Catty and pithy). I hate all the rest of them with a fiery passion and I am glad I am not the only who feels this way, because I have experienced mushroom gaslighting all my life apparently from my family and have been made to feel crazy for hating mushrooms.

    Except the magic kind. They are awesome on pizza.

    • Meghan Murphy

      Don’t apologize for being ranty! I think we all appreciate you, here, sister.

      (I love satire and am grateful whenever EF offers me the opportunity for a good mocking — glad you enjoy 🙂

  • catlogic

    … is it just me, or does the dude in the picture look like the love child of Ted Cruz and Paul Ryan?

  • catlogic

    Whenever I see the claim that dogs are more intelligent than cats, I assume it’s men saying it because dogs are more *obedient* than cats and that’s what men consider intelligent in “lesser” beings.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Just me, amusing myself at EF’s expense 🙂

  • Meghan Murphy

    Interesting! I’d never heard of her before.

  • Meghan Murphy


  • Missy

    Exactly! We extreme mushroom lovers are the most oppressed group on the planet, and although we are only a tiny minority of the population, the most violence is committed against us! That violence being perpetrated by fellow mushroom lovers is beside the point!

    These are the facts, and anyone daring to dispute any of it will be pelted relentlessly by rotten mushrooms! If a MEPL gets beaten up, I won’t feel sorry for them. Mushroom lovers are all innocent victims of MEPL hate so they get what they

  • lk


    Honestly, so much of the stuff on EF makes me laugh…because it is just ridiculous…but then you realize the authors are totally serious.

    I had never heard the phrase proheauxism, so I had to look it up: Proheaux. Derived from the more colloquial pro-hoe. (Spelling altered to reflect difference & refinement.) Black or brown womanists — women and femme, cis or trans — who are pro-sex and/or are sex workers and support sex worker rights.

    One thing I will give modern liberals credit for is their ability to makeup silly language: cishet, penises are female, agender and etc.

    What is with the use of the word “folk” all the time?

    “being pro-sex worker is a necessary pillar of dismantling the patriarchy.”

    This statement makes sooo much sense….supporting an industry that allows men to buy, sell, rape women and girls for money will TOTALLY end sexism.


  • Rich Garcia

    Wow, Meghan. I’m stunned to know that you’re ‘misoagaric’ (hateful of mushrooms). Especially with your pizza. I’ll have you know my pizza is inclusive of these toppings. Give in to the Mushroom Cult, or prepare to be labeled a MEPE (mushroom-exclusionary pizza eater).

  • foamreality

    Amusing. Although…


    *ducks for cover*

  • Meghan Murphy

    Oh honey, I’ve never had a problem getting dates, don’t you worry about me xx