Fifteen ways the world revolves around men’s penises

We all know that, in a patriarchy, the world revolves around men’s penises in a general sense, but here are 15 ways we can see this reality manifest itself, more specifically:

1) Male genitalia taking up space

Manspreading on public transportation and in other public seating situations is epidemic. The viral load in this miasma of douchiness has so far eluded all disease management techniques. If we’ve reached the point of needing to put up “Dude… Stop the Spread, Please” signs in subway cars — and we have — that tells me we see this phenomenon as an infection of sorts, hopefully addressed by PSAs… You know, like “Get Your Flu Shot Today” signs at CVS.

manspreading

2) Pious penises

Josh Duggar’s penis was so sacred to him that it led him astray from the Lord while his gums kept flapping about family values. The list of hypocritical religious men is like an electronic scrolling NASDAQ ticker, spinning faster than the cherries on a slot machine. There are millions of quivers full of this type of man, and they’ve deluded themselves into thinking no one notices. WE SEE YOU.

3) The penis wags the man

Too often, men’s dicks morph into tiny, secondary, seriously impaired brains in co-ed spaces, leading to catcalling, groping, indecent exposure, and public masturbation. Women rightly say that we all shortchange men by allowing them to be viewed as incapable of curbing impulses, like animals. We think men will grok this logic and enthusiastically join together in their own best interest to rise above behaving like baboons, but they don’t. I’m not letting them off the hook by talking about their genitals as if they were free agents, betraying their well-meaning owners. I simply bemoan the complacency and dearth of positive peer pressure. God help them. It’s just so sad.

4) The Icelandic Phallological Museum

Image: Icelandic Phallological Museum
Image: Icelandic Phallological Museum

You’ll have to read up on this if you’ve never heard of it. I just can’t begin to convey how funny and how bizarre it is. The best part is that in 2014, American actor and writer Jonah Falcon, known for his notably large penis — the length of which I am curious about but refuse to look up — agreed to donate his member to the museum upon his death. He stipulated, however, that it must be displayed alongside the enormous penis of a sperm whale, and that the exhibit must be entitled “Jonah and the Whale.” Biblical, isn’t it?

5) Codpieces: Enough said

Do we need further proof of men’s historical love affair with their own penises beyond the codpiece? The history of the codpiece is so funny and absurd it is worthy of some of your reading time. Did you know that the codpiece Rowan Atkinson wore in Black Adder sold at auction for £850? Codpieces in comic books are another black hole for your time. Be afraid, be very afraid.

6) Penises & big pharma

Ah, Viagra — the most aggressively researched, hurriedly FDA-approved, and disgustingly profitable drug in the history of Big Pharma. Women’s reproductive rights are on life support, but my personal tax dollars help pay for old guys’ erections, probably many of the same old guys who are controlling women’s bodies. Men’s need for boners has probably funded more medical research and underwritten more R&D salaries that cancer, HIV and heart disease combined. Penises are that important.

7) Penis protrusion protection

Now let’s consider all the ways women must regulate their behavior so men don’t get inconvenient hard-ons. Whether we’re talking first-world problems like leggings, or third-world problems like women in burkas quickly lifting their veils to inspect produce at the local market and receiving 80 lashes in the public square, it’s clear that women’s simple existence as human beings with female bodies is problematic for men and their penises.

8) John Lennon understood penises

Happiness is a Warm Gun… “Bang, bang, shoot, shoot.” Gun culture = dick culture. If you need good visuals for this, check out this guy who photoshops dildos into photographs of men posing with guns. This is everything.

RandPaulDildo

9) Photographed and adulterous penises

Unsolicited dick pics and sexting about dick size is so gross I can barely write this section. Even Selena Gomez, who is less prudish than I, has had enough of Justin Bieber’s dick pics.

JB: “Come on. Don’t tell me you don’t miss this.” (paired with pic of JB grabbing erect peen)

SG: “Stop it. You need to listen to Scooter [Bieber’s manager] and go to rehab. U r sick.”

Sad trombone.

And it’s not just Bieber. Anthony Weiner was brought down by Weinergate. Men put their entire careers on the line because they are so obsessed with their genitals and posting or sticking them where they don’t belong. This list of fallen politicians begins in 1776 and goes through the present day, naming 67 prominent politicians who have been embroiled in “sex scandals.” (And surely there have been more than 67?) Anyhoo, 66 of the 67 on this list are male. Yes, tragically, most politicians are male and have historically been male, but that 66/67 of “sexual misconduct” cases feature male perpetrators is notable (if not unsurprising)… Also, that’s very similar to the most commonly cited stats on mass shooters (72/73 have been male going back to 1982). Gun culture mirrors the cult of masculinity.

10) The source of all violence is inside men’s pants

From campus rape to sex trafficking to ISIS reminding recruited fighters of the 72 virgins awaiting them in the afterlife — just to draw attention to three grains of sand on the beach — male genitals and their hormones are simultaneously the cause and the beneficiary of a tidal wave of male aggression unleashed upon the world. Whether it’s the dehumanization and degradation of women by men in porn, or of civilian women by conquering men in wars, or of victims of domestic violence by male partners, it is often said that violence does not have a race or a class or a religion, but it does have a gender. And that gender is born with a penis.

11) Prickish language

Schmuck. Schmuckle. Putz. We have a lot of Yiddish terms for prick. Donald Trump recently said that Hillary Clinton “got schlonged” by Barack Obama in 2008. If you’ve ever wondered about the etymology of the word “dick,” you can read about it here. As rabbit holes go, the evolution of language surrounding men’s sex organs is a maze-like, multi-chambered warren you can’t escape. Ok, ok, it’s the same for female genital slang, but maybe not so much in Yiddish?

12) Penis envy b.s.

Penis envy is a myth that was foisted upon us by Sigmund Freud, who apparently was so enamored of male genitalia as to find it inconceivable that women would not be seething with jealousy. He can go to hell, if he isn’t there already.

13) Accommodation of penises peeing

Bathrooms. Sooo many issues here. Let’s simplify. Men’s restrooms are always closer to debate stages, conference rooms, and the floors of major legislative bodies than are women’s restrooms, so that men’s dicks can pee as quickly and easily as possible. Men’s bathrooms are designed to generously accommodate their male visitors because penile needs are always a priority. I think Hillary Clinton blew a major opportunity to effect change when she did not simply walk into the men’s room during the bio-break of the last Democratic debate, rather than walking the ridiculous distance to the women’s restroom and waiting patiently for her turn. If anyone would have understood, it’s Bernie Sanders and Martin O’Malley, self-avowed feminists. At the very least, it would have made for a better news story the following day!

14) Penis anthems

I hate rap, which can be a very dick-centric genre, but I acknowledge that plenty of other musical genres have their share of songs with penis-worshipping lyrics… Personally, I prefer my penis-related songs to come with a healthy dose of humour, so here’s to Monty Python’s Penis Song from The Meaning of Life. Watch and sing along with me as I end this blog post!

Isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn’t it frightfully good to have a dong?
It’s swell to have a stiffy, it’s divine to own a dick
From the tiniest little tadger to the world’s biggest prick!

So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake
Your piece of pork, your wife’s best friend, your Percy or your cock
You can wrap it up in ribbons, you can slip it in your sock
But don’t take it out in public or they will stick you in the dock
And you won’t…come…back!

Thankyouverymuch!

Lori Day is an educational psychologist, consultant and parenting coach with Lori Day Consulting in Newburyport, MA. She is the author of Her Next Chapter: How Mother-Daughter Book Clubs Can Help Girls Navigate Malicious Media, Risky Relationships, Girl Gossip, and So Much More, and speaks on the topic of raising confident girls in a disempowering marketing and media culture. You can connect with Lori on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest.

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  • Lucia Lola

    This is bookmarked. Laughter is always a good thing.

  • lagattamontral

    Then there are these guys: Rich white men with guns (and presumably, penises taking over a wildlife preserve on land originally stolen from the Paiute people.

  • vagabondii

    Don’t you mean sad tromboner?

    • Meghan Murphy

      ha!

    • Lori Day

      Oh, I did! Good catch!

  • Zuzanna Smith

    I will never be able to see a dude with his gun without seeing him holding a hot pink penis, hilarious.

  • rosearan

    Ever noticed the resemblance between the structure of bombs and penises, or guns and penises? Long and cylindrical, but important to macho dominance – whether it be bringing recalcitrant countries into line or bringing law and order to subversive anti-social forces from within, Macho dominance remains the only line of defence against .. well, everything, Negotiation and cooperation are just wussy, girlie options in solving ongoing political resentments and disputes. What’s the point in bringing people to the negotiating table, unless you militarily first defeat all opposition with guns and bombs?

    • ice dawg

      That’s what George Carlin said in the early 1990s with “rockets and penises”

  • Wombat

    The first time I encountered manspreading was on a long distance bus in India. Guy next to me spread and spread – pressing his thighs into mine. I was writing in my diary, so I rested my biro next to my leg, pointy end out. He kept on pressing right into it.