We need a Mandemic

The Satan Bug 1965

There are not enough baby elephant videos in the world to soothe and distract me from all of the pain and suffering I see daily in the news. At the moment, I am obsessed with the Zika virus, which has just been declared a global emergency by the World Health Organization. As more and more babies are born with microcephaly, male politicians in Latin American countries are requesting that women not get pregnant for the next two years, while simultaneously denying them access to contraception and abortion.

I’m sure that men will wait patiently until 2018 to have sex with their wives and girlfriends, and I’m equally certain the extraordinary number of rapists in those regions will stop raping women during the same time period. But in case the menfolk don’t cooperate, there are always coat hangers, and women’s lives will be at risk along with the risks that the virus poses to their children. Men, however, don’t seem to have much skin in the game (even though they are refereeing it along with the mosquitos.)

And I notice this is a recurring theme. Too many men coasting ahead of their own wake.

Often men do suffer along with women, though. For example, men breathe the same poisoned air and drink the same polluted water women do. They die in wars alongside raped and murdered female civilians. They are among the poor and the homeless. American men perpetrate — but are also killed by — gun violence. When the human race begins to go extinct due to climate change, men will not yet have left the planet… I think. But here’s the thing: Men are experiencing karma. Women, on the other hand, are experiencing toxic masculinity — something that has been actively destroying the world since our first human ancestors, standing upon two legs, started walking around Africa three million years ago. If only “Lucy” were available for comment. I think of her as Patient Zero.

Here’s a list of various domestic and international male-made problems, in no particular order:

Climate change

Domestic violence

War

Rape

Sex trafficking

Wealth gap

Pay gap

Air and water pollution

Gun violence

Under-education of girls

Degrading porn

Religious oppression of women

Overpopulation

Deforestation

Poaching

Slavery

Gender discrimination

Poverty

Hunger

Extinction of species

Terrorism

Torture

Sexual harassment

FGM

Political corruption

Homelessness

Restricted reproductive rights

Exploitation of fossil fuels

Strip mining

Clubbing of baby seals

I’m sorry I didn’t have time to add many things to the list. Feel free to add more in the comments.

What can be done? Well, I’ve decided the Earth needs a Mandemic. The human herd must be culled, and it’s time for buck season.

I know what you’re thinking… Cool! How could this work?

I happened to be watching an episode of Star Trek: Voyager last night when the idea came to me. There could be a virus that causes gene mutations in men that rewrites their DNA. Then, when men have sex with women, they are drained of their DNA, “where it is then implanted into females, causing the death of the males. As a result, new males are constantly created and harvested” by women, as suits their needs. You should have seen the desiccated corpses on the Taresian planet!

But perhaps this is too harsh implausible. It is science fiction, after all.

Look, I’m not an infectious disease specialist. I’m not exactly sure how this could work. I just know that there are 200 million missing females in the world because of patriarchy, so Mother Nature needs to put her finger on the scales, and if She would kindly oblige, just push down a little extra hard.

“But I love men.”

Ok. You probably do love men. Most women have some men in their lives that they dearly love. There are tons of wonderful men! So sure, it will be sad and tragic when the Mandemic rages with the fire of a thousand suns and randomly selects enough male victims to disrupt the current power structure around the world. This will be necessary to create an opening for women to become equal — maybe even dominant.

But isn’t our only hope the removal of excessive male humans from the continents? If women don’t take the reins of this doomed planet and get cracking on resolving those few items listed above, we don’t stand a chance.

Lori Day is an educational psychologist, consultant and parenting coach with Lori Day Consulting in Newburyport, MA. She is the author of Her Next Chapter: How Mother-Daughter Book Clubs Can Help Girls Navigate Malicious Media, Risky Relationships, Girl Gossip, and So Much More, and speaks on the topic of raising confident girls in a disempowering marketing and media culture. Lori tweets @Lori_Day.

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  • Melissa Cutler

    Nicely done. I can’t WAIT to read the comments from outraged men on this.

    • Tired feminist

      HA I came here to comment the same. Forecasting a storm of male tears even stronger than the one on the curfew.

      • Meghan Murphy

        I promise only to approve the most amusing cry-comments.

        • Lori Day

          That’s why I love you, Meghan. You always have my back on this site, and I am all for comments streaming with #MaleTears. We’ve got a pro-Return of Kings guy already concern-trolling on twitter, btw. 🙂

  • Cassandra

    This is made of 100% awesome. Moreover, it’s just stating the facts. We do need a mandemic. I too am looking forward to the poop babies coming here to poop.

  • Cassandra

    Oh, I can’t wait for a poop baby. I’ll just do my best impression right now:

    But MEN creted everething! If it wasnt for US youd be crawling in the primordal oze. We made the roman viadacts! We built ships! We build airplains and skyscrapers and we unclog your toilets and die while paving roads! Your all misandrists spreading misandry with misdandric misandering. I’m reporting you!

    • Rachel

      Ha ha brilliant!

  • corvid

    I’d absolutely love to see what “female dominance” would look like, in contrast to the male dominance we know. Just for fun. Men love to scare themselves about this because the poor myopic darlings actually can’t envision that anyone would want to behave DIFFERENTLY from the way they do.
    Here are some pipe dreams I thought of:
    – the end of patriarchy and capitalism
    – more eating vegetables for everyone
    – organic gardens everywhere
    – sharing, fair division of responsibilities
    – free bicycles
    Yeah.

    • Zuzanna Smith

      Being able to walk outside at night without fear. Women and girls no longer being sexually objectified or their bodies bought and sold. No longer needing to smile tensely or totally avoiding eye contact at creepy men and getting out of their way as soon as you can because they creep you the hell out with their creepy-ass ogling.

  • In some countries female foetuses are more likely to be aborted, so…

  • tinfoil hattie

    I have to say: what if women in non-birth-control, non-abortion countries don’t WANT to not have intercourse for two years? Maybe some women slso actually like het sex. So it’s not just “I’m sure tge men will wait”

  • Meliora Bachelor

    Just as an FYI, there’s a Justice League episode (two actually) where the “villain” engineers a virus via science and sorcery in order to exterminate the entire male gender. It almost succeeds too. (Episodes 14 and 15)
    http://dcau.wikia.com/wiki/Fury

  • ABW

    I vote empathy machine. I’m not into violence, though they might put up a fight when we shove them inside it.

  • Rich Paul

    Wow, feminist psychos have a funny definition of “equality”. I’ll point this out to the morons who tell me that “equality” is what feminists are advocating. Thank you for making your misandrist and hateful ideas known.

    • Meghan Murphy

      Thanks for the help! We’re always trying to get the message across the feminism is not about ‘equality’… Soooo frustrating!

    • Hierophant2

      It’s never been about equality. But thank you for playing.

    • Zuzanna Smith

      We don’t want equality with rapists and warmongers we want to end rapists and warmongering.

  • Lori Day

    Check out Rich Paul above. Poster child for the humor-disabled.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Why haven’t all the lab coated men ‘figured out a solution’ for that whole ‘rape’ problem yet?

    • WhiteDox

      Because “rape” isn’t a virus, or some other form of sickness…

      • Meghan Murphy

        So men are just choosing to continue to rape women and girls for fun? Yet you think we SHOULDN’T kill ’em off with some kind of virus?

      • Tired feminist

        No, it’s because men will never care about women. A sexually transmitted, man-killing virus would mobilize all men in the world to find a solution asap only because it would threaten their sense of entitlement to women’s bodies. Even their lives could easily be spared if they just left us alone…

    • Jeff Coffey

      Because isolated cases don’t make an epidemic.

      • Meghan Murphy

        lol bye

    • Melissa Cutler

      I got a good laugh at that one, Meghan. Thanks for approving the comment, Ms. Moderator 🙂

      • Jess Martin

        Hey there! It’s me approving the comments this morning and I’m just getting the hang of it. I’m also developing an even more deeply-engrained hatred of humanity…haha!

  • Kieran Fischer

    Wait… so rape jokes are NEVER funny… but genocide jokes are okay?

    • Meghan Murphy

      Rape jokes aren’t NEVER funny — it’s just rare. Kate Harding made a list of 15 rape jokes that work a few years ago, but unfortunately the link no longer works… Here’s an archived version: https://web.archive.org/web/20120716055011/http://kateharding.info/2012/07/13/15-rape-jokes-that-work

      But to answer your question, yes, joking about a virus that would kill off all men is hilarious.

    • Sara Marie

      The thing is, rape is something men do all the time. Many women are raped and/or sexually assaulted multiple times throughout their lives. And all women live in fear of being raped by men in their/our lives. Even women who downplay the threat of male rape take preventative measures to avoid getting raped. These have often become so second-nature they don’t even think about it. For example, taking a longer route at night because it’s better lit, not walking in certain areas of town alone or using the buddy system, checking in with a friend when we’ve made it home safely, not talking back to men on the street who yell obscene comments, because who knows what will happen, never leaving one’s drink alone at a party, etc etc etc.

  • Morag999

    All we have to do is figure out a way to infect the porn supply.

    You know that Japanese horror movie Ringu that was remade in America as The Ring? Kind of like that.

    “Seven days.”

    • Melissa Cutler

      I am on board with this idea.

  • Tired feminist

    Liberal feminism is not feminism.

    “Third-world feminism” is an invention of your pretty little head.

    Radical feminism is about killing all men. MWAHWAHWAHWAHWA jk

  • Morag999

    You ask why it is that women with relatively more rights write satire about reducing the male population. But haven’t you answered your own question?

    It’s because we can.

    Also, it’s because the idea of male supremacist zealots cutting off our heads, for being disobedient women, gives you and your ilk pleasure. That’s exactly the sociopathy we want to rid the world of! I know, I know: women are weird and quirky that way. Who can understand them?

  • Meghan Murphy

    Ya, Jess and Susan will be helping me out a bit with comments this month because I’ll be out of town for a week later in the month (thanks Jess and Susan!) and it takes a bit of practice (just five years or so, ha) to get the hang of how we do things around here 🙂

  • Jack V. Butler Jr.

    I love it.

    I was wondering whether this steaming mass of male-hate was going to be brushed off by the feminists as “satire”, “ironic misandry”, or “comedic hyperbole”, and so far its being spun as all three.

    Of course, were it a man proposing the destruction of all womankind by way of a virus, every single one of the female commenters who have snarked at some man objecting to the inherent bullshit of this article would be howling in rage and demanding the writer’s head in a sack.

    That’s because they’re hypocrites, the lot of them.

    But it was refreshing to see some of them finally admit that feminism has nothing to do with equality and everything to do with man-hate. Very refreshing.

    • Melanie

      Come on, it’s just a joke, it’s just fantasy, if you don’t like it don’t read it, free speech and all that.

    • Tired feminist

      Aaaaaaw, you poor little thingy. Those mean wimminz who don’t laugh at your jokes, tsc tsc. They should all be beaten and raped and abused of all possible forms and then violently murdered! Oh, wait.

    • Cassandra

      Is this an MRA Poe?

  • Melissa Cutler

    I don’t really understand how man hating can be seen as unreasonable and offensive, given all the man-made problems in the world throughout history. Not to mention that men have been hating women for centuries. And yet I see that tossed out all over the place as the ultimate insult: “You’re just a bunch of man-haters!”
    And all I can think is, Well, yeah. Kinda surprised there aren’t more man-haters, given everything. Like, how is that so awful a concept?

    • Lori Day

      The thing that is so amazing to me is that when I see writing by black people talking about all of the oppression they’ve endured from whites, I’m like, Yeah, that’s so true. I am not screaming “reverse racism!” I am not tweeting the n-word at people like the c-word is getting tweeted at me. If I see a satirical piece similar to mine, but about race, I laugh if it’s funny. I know my race is a brutally oppressive one, and I don’t blame people of color if they have resentment, anger or frustration toward whites, and if they speak about it, write about it (satirical or not). But with MRA’s, it’s just bizarro world. They are so lacking in self-awareness and have no sense of humor. If I can own my white privilege, why can’t they own their male privilege? I know, I know. There is no answer to that question besides deeply rooted misogyny, which, as I pointed out, has been going on since poor Lucy walked upright on two feet 3 million years ago. I read their comments and tweets and all I can think of is that scene from the Holy Grail where the peasants are digging in the mud and shouting about being oppressed. 🙂

  • Cassandra

    NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!! NOTALLMENZ!!!!

  • Thank you for being a savage, Jeff Coffey. The patriarchy salutes you.

  • Xenosity

    This is clearly fucking satire xD