The Modern Mumma’s ‘quickie’ is nothing to feel good about

After being sexually harassed endlessly, for weeks, Mel Watts, who runs the blog, The Modern Mumma, succumbed to her husband’s pressure and engaged in what she calls “a quickie.” That is to say, she had sex she didn’t want, with her partner, without having any say in the matter.

When I say “sexual harassment,” I’m not exaggerating. On Facebook, where Watts posted an “after” shot, she writes:

“Rewind back this morning I’ve had dad sex jokes thrown at me all morning. Packages dropped on my shoulder, dry humping my leg and asking if I want sausage to eat. I would hardly say it was romantic.”

I’m not completely out of it. I’m well aware that many heterosexual couples think that if the male end of the partnership asks his wife or girlfriend if she “want[s] sausage to eat” it’s seen as just a cute joke — a kind of flirting… You know, the kind of “flirting” 13-year-old boys engage in once they’ve learned that sexual harassment and jokes about sticking their dicks in girls’ mouths is “cute” and “flirtateous” rather than part of their learned participation in rape culture.

But harassing your tired partner day in and day out for sex by “humping [their] leg” and pushing your dick at them, literally, (as she explains it, “Packages dropped on my shoulder”) isn’t cute, flirtateous, or modern. In fact, it’s very much connected to the mind frame that existed not so long ago when marital rape was legal — the (male) mind frame that says, “I have a right to sex with my wife,” “I have a right to sexually harass my wife,” “Sex is something I ‘need,'” “Sex is something owed to me.”

“I may have to admit it was quick and slightly obligated,” Watts says. “I was definitely not prepared…” And why wasn’t she “prepared?” Well, because she didn’t want sex and didn’t intend to have it. The sex was clearly initiated by her husband, and she succumbed, feeling she had no other choice. Does this sound like “enthusiastic consent” to you? Or are we prepared to argue that enthusiastic consent doesn’t matter in a marriage? Surely we all know where this line of thinking leads us…

What bothers me about this situation is not only that this man felt it was perfectly in his right to force his partner into having sex with him, but that Watts actually was made to feel guilty about declining him.

“The amount of times I have turned down this mans ‘charms’ one would assume I was ungrateful. I think more tired and exhausted would describe it best. I’m not normally your day time quickie kinda person but today I thought the amount of effort he has put into every sexual advance it would just be plain mean of me.”

She’s right to put “charms” in scare quotes — this man is anything but “charming.” He’s an entitled child who believes his wife is obligated to give him what he wants, regardless of her desires and feelings. It’s not “mean” to decline sex with men when you don’t wish to have sex — it’s exactly what women should feel comfortable doing. The fact that they do not — and that when they do say “no,” they feel guilty about it and men keep up the pressure anyway– perfectly exemplifies how entrenched rape culture is in our supposedly “modern” culture.

Thousands and thousands of people “liked” Watts’ post on Facebook, cheering her on, laughing and normalizing their own experiences with selfish, entitled, childish husbands (or as those husbands themselves). One commenter writes:

“You had me at the very start… Dry humping, package drop, really poor sex jokes. It’s my husband every day, and as much as I roll my eyes, I can’t help but laugh at his stupid jokes and wouldn’t have him any other way. And to all the haters this honest post does not mean Mel doesn’t have endless hours of ‘meaningful’ sex nor is it anyone’s business, but this day she had a quickie and she wrote about it, and it was fucking brilliant…that’s it stop analysing [sic] her life over one post. Mel you are a champ.”

Another woman says:

“I think if any type of sex between a stable couple could be considered ‘degrading’ you are with the wrong person, thanks hun for the super relatable post and let nit pickers and stedford [sic] wives go about and have their unspontaneuous [sic] and non degrading sex.”

One man writes:

“As a man and a father, I find this light hearted post hilarious and so refreshing! I can relate to the ‘leg humping’ and the ‘sausage’ comments (we males have all been there) but also to your view of it! It’s modern life, it’s parenting life and it goes on in every household but it’s still for some reason one of those things we don’t feel comfortable talking about.”

But these people don’t get it. Yes, this post is relatable — because most women have been pressured into sex by men (and because so many men think this kind of pressure and harassment is perfectly fine). Most-likely we’ve all been sexually harassed and subjected to men’s prodding, flashing, and “sex jokes” as part of that harassment. I mean, the multitude of dick pics women are subjected to online should tell us how accepted this kind of behaviour is… (Want sex? Shove a dick in her face!) Moreso, a huge percentage of us have been sexually assaulted — not just by strangers, but by boyfriends, family members, friends, and, yes, husbands.

Those of us who question whether or not this behaviour is acceptable, funny, or harmless are not opposed to “spontaneous” sex, we are talking about the larger context for this kind of behaviour and are questioning why it is acceptable in the first place.

Men learn from the time they are young that sex is something you “get” from women and is something that women don’t really want, but give in to. (And of course, if they do “want it,” they are “sluts.”)

If men and women alike learn that sex is “for men” and that it is something women are obligated to do in order to keep men happy, regardless of what they do or don’t want, how on earth do we expect to undo rape culture? How do we expect young boys to understand that, actually, sex is something both parties should want, otherwise lay off?

Watts expresses relief, at the end of her post, that she’ll have a temporary break from the constant nagging and harassment: “Silver lining he’s happy for the next few days and I’m going to bed without dick jabbed in my back.” But that’s nothing to be relieved about. So long as rape culture is accepted as harmless and unavoidable — whether it’s inside or outside our homes — we have no hope of building a world wherein women are safe from men’s violence and treated with the dignity and respect we deserve, as human beings.

Meghan Murphy
Meghan Murphy

Founder & Editor

Meghan Murphy is a freelance writer and journalist. She has been podcasting and writing about feminism since 2010 and has published work in numerous national and international publications, including New Statesman, Vice, Al Jazeera, The Globe and Mail, I-D, Truthdig, and more. Meghan completed a Masters degree in the department of Gender, Sexuality and Women’s Studies at Simon Fraser University in 2012 and lives in Vancouver, B.C. with her dog.

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  • Karla Gjini

    It’s shocking how there are people advocating against rape culture that are also “liking” this Facebook post without seeing a connection.

  • “Sometimes it’s worth just going with it.”

    Actually, sweet sister, no, IT’S NOT. Namaste.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Been there many times. The fact that it is a common, “normal” experience for so many women seems to be the defense in though, in so many of the comments on Facebook, which is so ridiculous! Just because it’s common doesn’t make it ok.

    • Gyaleth

      Hell, the fact that it’s so common only makes it worse.

  • Charlotte Issyvoo

    I’m married to a man who has NEVER done anything like these things. I would never ever ever put up with this kind of shit. Nor would it occur to him to do it.

  • Cassandra

    Reading this kind of shit makes me sick and it’s a huge part of the reason I was never able to live with a man for very long. I COULDN’T STAND the pestering. I fucking couldn’t stand it. Fuck off asshole. And that little prick in that picture above is a disgusting, entitled little prick. Get away from him, Ms. Watts. Get away!!

    • Gyaleth

      I can’t even fathom why men would do that shit. Do men really get turned on by the thought of turning sex with them into a fucking chore? Is that what really makes them horny? How fucking sad is that?

      There’s no sex like sex with someone who genuinely and willingly wants to have sex with you, without the need of any coercion or manipulation. Why is this so hard to understand?

  • Cassandra

    Keep your freedom!!

  • Studebacher Hoch

    It’s times like these that demonstrate how insulated I am, surrounded people that would be as horrified by this as I was. The comments are jaw dropping-lots of characterizing negative comments as prudes and losers and words I won’t repeat (including by the poster). I won’t psychoanalyze, but my first thought was ‘stockholm syndrome’. Really scary stuff-I can’t imagine putting my partner through what this guy put his through. Holy shit. (Edit-I’ve seen that a lot of the ‘negative’ comments are arguing that she is tactless for talking about it or bad for initially refusing her husband’s advances-have yet to find actual sanity in the vein of ‘divorce that asshole’).

  • Allison Parks

    I absolutely love this!! Great perspective!

  • We must stop analyzing rape immediately. We’re making people who rationalize rape uncomfortable, and we mustn’t have that.

  • And let me guess…everyone thought there was something wrong with YOU and not with him.

  • Cepheid-III

    Exact same thing with me, and it ended up destroying a many years long relationship. I didn’t enjoy sex, didn’t want to have sex, and avoided it as much as possible because it was constant guilt trips. If these men are really so horny all the time they should masturbate and stop acting like spoiled brats. No one owes anyone else sex.

    • Karla Gjini

      and the fact that they don’t just masturbate and do pressure women for sex demonstrates clearly how it’s not about the orgasm, it’s about the power

  • SADouglas

    It’s hard to read this post after reading your response. http://www.themodernmumma.com/blog/2016/6/23/for-you-my-partner-my-husband-my-baby-daddy

    • Meghan Murphy

      This sounds like a fairly, uh, “unmodern” relationship anyway?

      Like, what does this mean, exactly?

      “My day is filled with trying to do as much as I can so when you come home you don’t have to do anything but play with your babies. However, as you know, this doesn’t really ever happen. You never complain about coming home and helping me. Not once have you ever said to me ‘This should be done before I get home’ even though I feel terrible you have to help.”

      She seems to expect men to behave like they’re from the ’50s and is grateful when they don’t act like horrible pricks over having to left a finger at home… How depressing…

    • TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsYoya

      Hmmm. She seems to have a lot of guilty feelings about being a stay at home mother. I don’t understand that.

      • Kendall Turtle

        I think people should not feel guilty about staying home with a child, I’m currently staying home with mine. It’s hard though because in society it isn’t really valued it’s just assumed to be female nature and thus easy and to make up for it you must also be a maid/cook for your significant other.

        I love spending time with my baby, I’ve always been very interested in taking care of children, but geez it isn’t easy. Having someone constantly need you is taxing and that should be acknowledged.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Yes, totally! The continuum between prostitution and heterosexual relationships/marriage is there for sure.

    (I have no idea whether she considers herself a feminist — I’d never heard of her till now…)

    • Aoitora

      I’ve found another comment on this facebook post that fits this topic (prostitution and heterosexual relationships) to a T. It’s in the top-rated comment’s discussion:

      “- I think it’s great that Mel opens her legs to satisfy her hubby. Many
      woman wouldn’t do that because they consider being pressured into sex by
      their husbands is degrading. All guys need sex. It’s part of our DNA
      and our right when married.
      – you are joking about the right for sex when married thing aren’t you?
      – Absolutely NOT. I’ve friends who wives have refused to out out bcoz they’re
      too tired, not in the right mood etc. Some of my friends have gone for
      weeks with their wives making the same excuses. It’s awful for a man to
      have to beg for sex. That was never part
      of the marriage vows. In the end I encouraged them to visit prostitute
      bcoz of their right to have sex. If their wife wasn’t willing to put out
      they had a right to seek it elsewhere. Sorry for being so blunt and to
      the point but I don’t believe in sugar coating the truth.”

      • Cassandra

        That comment is absolutely disgusting. So many of them really do believe that sex is a “right.”

  • Meghan Murphy

    We’re talking about what men learn, as a whole, in this culture. Sure, some individual men may not behave like this, but it doesn’t mean this isn’t the dominant message.

    • Kiel Meakin

      Some individual men?
      Holy crap, and I admit to making assumptions here, but you are trying to defend that you are allowed to say ‘all men’ in an argument?
      If that is so, all your points are invalid. Every. Single. One.

      • Meghan Murphy

        Holy crap, what MRA forum led you to this site, dear sir?

      • Gyaleth

        … You do know the criticism of this article focuses on men’s socialized behaviours, right? There’s no need to take it as a personal attack.

      • TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsYoya

        But nowhere did she say “all men”.

  • Meghan Murphy

    I think that often this kind of thing becomes normalized in heterosexual relationships, so that we end up accepting or putting up with behaviour we wouldn’t have otherwise imagined we’d be ok with….

  • Meghan Murphy

    We’re supposed to just be grateful that he doesn’t cheat, ya know?

  • Meghan Murphy

    I’m so sorry, sister. I hope this piece of shit rots in hell.

    • oneclickboedicea

      I’m sure he will!

  • Meghan Murphy

    Funny, you don’t seem silenced?

    • Kiel Meakin

      The way to win the argument, or discussion, about culture it to rise above it.
      I have a 5 year old daughter. You dont need to, and I dont expect you to, but if you did look on my FB you would see a lot of pro equality sentiment.
      The problem arises when you assume all men, or mens culture, whatever you want to generalize something as, as equally important.
      You, and I mean you, not all women, or 3rd wave feminist, devalue your knowledge and opinion when you take one incident and apply it to a group as a whole. No one needs to acknowledge what you are saying, however good your point is, because any conculsion is null and void.
      I was trying to give constructive criticism, so in the future you would write something that has no weak points, and no one could then dismiss you.
      However, following your snide comments, you, and again, I mean YOU specifically, are just straight up wrong, and everything you write is ammunition against the ideas you might believe in.
      So.. good job?

      • Meghan Murphy

        I’m not a third wave feminist, dummy. And I feel sorry for your daughter. Byeeeeeeee!

      • Gyaleth

        “You, and I mean you, not all women, or 3rd wave feminist”

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vpYYp2Fcos

      • Laura

        Why don’t you take your own advise and rise above this comment section then

      • Cassandra

        Oh wow.

      • marv

        “You, and I mean you, not all women, or 3rd wave feminist, devalue your knowledge and opinion when you take one incident and apply it to a group as a whole.”

        Male dominance – the state, army, economy, prostitution, marriage, family….- is a superstructure on which society is designed. By association with this system all men are implicated in holding women down. Patriarchal cultural cognition is blocking your perception. Raise your mind above it “so in the future you would write something that has no weak points, and no one could then dismiss you.”

  • Meghan Murphy

    Um, no…? Take a deep breath, brother, it’s gonna be ok.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Ohhhh I see. This is the comment you were worried I’d deleted. Indeed! This is an important criticism! I had never considered before that I, the author of the article, might not have actually read the article I’d written and that I might be trolling my own site!

    Goodness you’re awfully emotional, aren’t you? Need a nap? A fainting couch? You poor boys, so silly and irrational.

  • Morag999

    It’s interesting that you think badgering a man to open his wallet is analogous to harassing a woman to open her body.

    • Just Me

      It’s a matter of social constructs. It’s not how I personally value men. In my experience, I find that men are more sensitive about being used for money than they are for being used for sex. Hence the demeaning use of ‘gold-diggers’ that usually only ever gets applied to women.

      I don’t think most husbands would be bothered by his wife grinding on him, grabbing him and inviting him to the bedroom. Infact, that’s probably the fantasy of what many husbands want. So the reverse of this situation is not about sex but about what men tend to be more sensitive about being used for.

      If you have your own analogy, I’m open to hearing it.

  • Gyaleth

    I always had a special place in my heart for the last panel of this comic. I can’t begin to count how many times I’ve run into men starting their #NOTALLMEN-backtalks with that exact line.

  • TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsYoya

    Haha! 🙂

  • Lavender

    Instead of spending time arguing with women on the internet and not listening to a goddamn word they say, go out to your male peers and ask them why SO MANY of them feel entitled to demand sex from women who DON’T WANT IT. She doesn’t want it? You don’t get to fuck her. Simple. You guys jerk off all the time anyway. It should be a natural reaction at this point.

    A man’s sexual well-being is no one’s responsibility but his own. If you were cool with this message, you wouldn’t be sitting here being a prick to women who are asking nothing more than to be left alone. The funny thing is you guys are the first ones to say you’re not rapists, and yet here you are displaying the exact same core mentality. When I wake up in a world where I see a news report about sexual violence and I don’t already know the sex of the perp and the sex of the victim without looking, then you might have a reason to whine. Every woman I know has experienced some form of sexual violence, many of us several times. Those of you who don’t openly terrorize us sit back and let that shit happen without saying a word because you know it makes women feel small and scared, and that gives you power. ALL OF YOU. Well, fuck you. You men need to figure what you need to do to stop treating women like we’re not human beings. Your hurt feelings are not our problem.

  • melissa

    Exactly.Not to mention how pornsick all men are now. I honestly wouldn’t have cared or even thought much about maybe 5-8 years ago.But now just thought of someone i care about constantly wanking to women and girls getting degraded, brutalized, dehumanized or worse thinking of subjecting me, someone they’d supposedly care about, to the same treatment and the dehumanization as they get off to to girls in porn, makes my stomach turn.i cant. i just cant. i cant be that “cool girl” and I’m just not getting labeled as this nagging, prudish, controlling, unreasonable, backwards,psycho wife. This is just a toxic climate to try to be in a relationship with a man. i dont think i can do it they’re all they same. I’m seeing this over and over again.

    This is a philosophy channel on youtube that i used to admire very much, that generally preached about respect, kindness and reason. and yet, this guy seems hell bent of normalizing bdsm, from claiming being “good in bed” means legitimizing, endorsing, encouraging these things and letting your partner “release” them on you, to implying how society silences and shames these poor “nice guys” and how we should all embrace and accept and cater to these “dark sides” of out lovers and just basically let them put us on a leash, whip and humiliated us. this is your “nice”, respectful, educated, moral, modern guy that millions of other average everyday “nice guys” are thanking for understanding and standing up for them.

    There’s just no way to tell anymore. I’m just not going through this psychodrama. I’m 20 something and destined to be alone as its looking.Its such toxic climate we’ve created.I’m feel to horrible for this generation of women.I used to wonder how my mother survived the kind of sexist culture i didn’t grow up in, now I’m starting to feel the same for my and the future generation of women.how will we even start to fix this?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSZky8dk7OE

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddKwb3Wzz0w

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NP5zvXwwaUQ

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihSTGqCO52Q

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7OPc65HdIA

    • Karla Gjini

      oh noooo this is so sad I never knew this side of the school of life.. how disappointing

  • Lavender

    This isn’t about one generation of people or what they post on the internet. I mean, THAT is your response to the situation? The very common situation in which a woman trapped in an oppressive relationship feels she has no alternative but to convince herself that a man has the right to use her body as an orgasm dispenser? Funny how you took the time to complain about people sharing their sex lives on the internet but you didn’t think it was appropriate to denounce male entitlement and sexual harrassment. Good job, bud.

  • Gyaleth

    I have to unfortunately admit that, before I started to sympathize with feminist issues and ideas, I used to showcase similar desperate behaviour towards my SO. It didn’t go to the point of dragging my package on her shoulder or dry-humping her leg (holy shit, I cringe just by thinking about that), but it was still unwarranted stuff and a very wrong thing to do. Reading feminist blogs like this one has helped me overcome this attitude, stop causing harm to my SO (who am still in a relationship with and is, in her own words, “happier than ever”), and gain awareness on women’s issues. As a guy, it’s very hard to unplug yourself from the patriarchy. It’s still pretty satisfactory to do so, knowing that you can be a better version of yourself for others.

    • Meghan Murphy

      Makes total sense considering men are indoctrinated into this kind of behaviour at a young age and see it modeled by male family members, on TV, etc. I mean, men and boys are sent the message they ‘need’ and are ‘owed’ sex their whole lives. Most probably believe it.

  • Lavender

    When women who are assaulted or abused the first time the man they’re dating pulls that shit, all she has to do is leave him and he won’t repeat that behaviour with the next woman, right? Do you think that’s how it works? Placing the responsibility in women’s hands for avoiding sadistic jerks ignores the fact that no woman can prevent a man from being violent once he’s decided that’s what he wants to do. It’s not like they advertize it. It’s also tantamount to suggesting that we simply foist these men onto other women who are truly willing and worth of the abuse, rather than demanding that men change.

  • Lavender

    Surveys of heterosexual married couples clearly show that men tend to be happy in them (despite their bitching) while women are overall quite miserable. That says it all.

  • Cangle

    I have been solo for 23 years and this woman’s story is heart breakingly like mine. My “nice nigel” husband wanted to get his dick wet as often as he could, his “need”.

    Why couldn’t he use his hand? I had 2 children, and both of mine did not wean early “child led weaning” led to prolonged lactation for both children. That satisfies touch needs, and oxytocin produced is great.

    I settled for quickies, and that led to rote perfunctory obligatory sex. It went from there to boring to annoying to damn it don’t touch me.

    Men are not entitled to sex. They have their hands. What they want is to dominate, “feel like a man” that they can squat on a woman to get their ego stroked. Often their demands stem from ego needs, and power tripping a woman. His “right”….

    The modern porn culture has ruined love.

  • Michelle

    How can you call yourself a feminist and criticize sex work in the same breath? I know several women who are empowered by their work (strippers). Supporting sex work is the most feminist stance to take, because not only are you supporting women in what THEY feel is empowering, but legalization of sex work rapidly and greatly reduces unsafe encounters for women who choose that line of work AND sex trafficking.

    • Meghan Murphy

      lol

    • Crimelord Canada

      … legalization of sex work rapidly and greatly normalizes unsafe encounters and trafficking. ftfy.

    • Cassandra

      You need an edumacation.

    • Independent Radical

      “I know several women who are empowered by their work….”

      Any time some makes a claim about “empowerment” I make a habit of asking of asking “power do to what?” In other words, what specific power do they gain from it. Power is the ability to make changes in the world, not some mystical feeling.

      “what THEY feel is empowering….”
      Unless they can demonstrate the actual powers that stripping has given them, I’m not impressed. I don’t give a damn what they feel. I want women to have real power (that they can actually use to make the world a better place and end male dominance over women, because seeking power for its sake is a path to violence and tyranny).

  • Crimelord Canada

    disingenuous criticism. ftfy.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Maybe I should see if Kiel would write an article for us?

  • lk

    “Even the therapist we were seeing recommended i provide maintenance sex despite the fact i was breastfeeding every two hours through the night, my face had fallen off and he was hitting me.”

    I am shocked at the advice your therapist gave y’all. How disappointing that a mental health professional would validate abusive behavior.

    Is there any institution that does not put the wants of men above the safety of women? Like, what about your mental health (not to mention your physical safety)? What about the emotional and psychological effects of having sex with someone when you don’t want to?

    I am sorry to hear you went through that.

  • melissa

    “At this point our standards for what constitutes a decent guy is so
    low-like if he doesn’t hit you and pin you down and rape you, then he is
    a catch!”

    Yup.and even if his “kinks” include wanting to hit and brutally raping you, he’s still the “nice guy”, still a catch!.uggh…

    “I think many of us don’t even realize how toxic the way men are
    encouraged to view women because it is presented to as normal from the
    second we are born.”

    No wonder so many womens sense of self and sexualities are so fucked up as well.no wonder romance novel center around romanticizing these toxic dynamics.its this horrible never ending cycle.

    “I think women and girls need to understand that coupling up with a man
    should not be a goal, that being single is not something awful, that we
    don’t need a man to have fulfilling, enjoyable lives. It’s challenging
    because everywhere we look, women are made to feel as incomplete, as
    failures if we don’t have boyfriends/husbands.”

    That’d be great if we could get that into mainstream consciousness. it’d be great if more radical feminist thought would get a bigger platform like those you-tube channels do with more than a million subs.i feel like it would resonate with many even though it would get a lot of hate and resistance(isn’t that how its always been?).even the most blatantly vomit inducing misogynist channels on youtube and reddit get around 100k to 400k subs.its insane.i cant see how women will ever start to think and prioritize different in this kind of social climate.

  • Rachel

    So true. My ex was pretty good in that he cleaned the toilet. But every time he did it without me asking him I knew it meant I had to give him a blowjob and allow him to come al over my face and then laugh afterwards. I never knew what the laughing meant as I thought it was just a weird nervous after orgasm reaction, but I think it was more about the fact that I would do blowjobs to make him happy and stop him from throwing me out the house, and then he told me he had to “imagine scenes” in order to get off (basically use me as a glory hole whilst he fantasised), and now I’m thinking the laughing was about the degradation of him getting me to do that, then get it all over my face. Oh and it wasn’t enough that I just did it – I had to pretend to be delighted by it or else that was it for me! Thrown out the house, ignored, threatened inadvertently, deprived of sleep.

  • Rachel

    I am so so so sorry to hear your story. That’s just soul crushing and it makes me furious that people, therapists especially (though not uncommon unfortunately) can treat women like that. Thank you for sharing.

  • Cassandra

    Making references to women’s periods? You completely lose any and all credibility and reveal yourself as a sexist asshat. If you weren’t a sexist asshat, you wouldn’t be here with your “NOTALLTHEMENZ” bullshit in the first place. You’re yucky.

  • Cassandra

    If marriage were actually so great for women there wouldn’t be an entire cultural narrative starting with Cinderella and Snow White and threading through religion as well, brainwashing us into thinking that’s what we’re supposed to do. It’s relentless. Entire shows about brides. Marriage is completely for the benefit of men more than ever but the whole thing is set up to gaslight us into thinking they’re doing us a favor.
    I honestly believe the fact that many women are opting out of marriage and childbearing is a huge reason for the backlash in Western countries and the rise of porn (via the delivery system of the internet) is a huge way of men putting women back in their place.

  • Meghan Murphy

    ikr

  • Wren

    This is a profoundly stupid statement, even from you.

  • Claudia Manion

    Exactly. I tried all the options with my narcissistic entitled POS ex but it really is a lose/lose situation.

  • Gaiauchis

    Too bad some countries don’t alow women to abort 🙁

    • Cassandra

      Yes, it is horrible.

  • Meghan Murphy

    To connect rape culture to men’s actual behaviour and sense of entitlement to women’s bodies and sex is ‘childish’? lol.

    • Joanna

      This article projects the idea that her husband’s actions are that of entitlement. Saying that all men, our husbands or boyfriends especially, act solely out of a sense of entitlement is silly. If you would see how many posts, articles and comments there are on how men are afraid to even broach the subject of sex and need of sex in a relationship, you’d soon find that most men in long term relationships seek only to find comfort, love, acceptance and sexual release inside the defined terms of intimacy. A reminder that touch is one of the ways in which we as human beings convey feelings of love, security, safety within a relationship. Secondary to that is fun, laughter, and enjoying each other’s company. If your SO’s primary way of both understanding and expressing love is through physical touch, than denying that person the act of sex is like isolating them. I know that feeling because I lived in a marriage that was defined by forced celibacy from my spouse. YEARS, not months of a sexless marriage puts most people in a place where they would rather end their life than continue… Perhaps instead of knee-jerk reacting to the first topic that comes to mind, we should instead take a look at deeper reasons why women feel obligated to have sex with their husbands instead of enjoying it as a part of expressions of love. Maybe we should look at the way men, in long term relationships, should broach the subject of seeking affections from their spouse when sex seems to have dried up. There are so many layers to this relationship status that heading straight for the jugular of rape culture is like bypassing an apple and heading for green apple flavored jolly ranchers. Rape culture has a context, but this facebook post was not it. This post misses the mark and instead of being a thoughtful commentary on women in relationships, it becomes shoe-horned response. It’s neither true sounding, nor true in the overall scope of life in marriage. To put more of a point on this, if you actually had a decent argument to respond to my post with, it wouldn’t have included LOL…

      • Meghan Murphy

        Feminist analysis is the opposite of ‘knee-jerk reaction.’ Also, desiring love is not an excuse to pressure or bully someone into having sex with you.

      • Karla Gjini

        it’s because her husband’s actions here ARE actions of entitlement.. whether he loves and cares for her isn’t what’s being discussed.

        ‘women put everything first before our own happiness’ because we are socialized to do so, by the systems that MEN have put in place. Sure, we have to look at why we’re so tired, and why we ‘feel obligated’ to have sexual intercourse with our partners, however to say that this is on women and that not all men act out of entitlement is kind of missing the point of the article.

        And maybe, men shouldn’t ‘broach the subject of seeking affections from their spouse when sex seems to have dried up’ at all. Maybe they need to take a hard look at the amount of domestic work they contribute to the household, and what their expectations are, and what shaped those expectations.

      • Cassandra

        DEAR GOD WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE MEN?!

  • Meghan Murphy

    Accepting that women’s bodies are things that exist to be used and abused by men would resolve the problem of rape culture? Cool logic.

    • Carol Liddle

      Those women have agency and self autonomy, and if we gave them legal rights and legal protections just as we do to any other industry they aren’t used and abused. If these women are given all the rights a human deserves they can be consenting adults who exchange resources for services. Why do you have such a negative view of sex workers?

      But my solution was two part, sex workers was an option as well as seducing and sleeping with other women, women who consent and desire it.

      • Meghan Murphy

        Bye troll.

      • Cassandra

        Criticizing male violence against women (prostitution) is not having “a negative view of sex workers.” That’s like saying that if you are critical of sweatshops you have a “negative view” of the exploited workers who work in them. Don’t be so stupid.

  • anony.ms

    “Our feminist sisters in the 1960s and 1970s rocked the world by talking about female sexual empowerment.”

    Yes, they did. And one of the forms of empowerment they talked about most was not being hustled, harassed or guilt-tripped into unwanted sex with a mate.

  • Rachel

    Yeah, I’m beginning to think I hate sex. Even my current partner, sometimes get the heeby jeebies because even though he is a good guy, probably one of the nicest, I can’t help but feel he still has that underlying entitlement that sex is for men and women just put up with it because they need a relationship. That he as a man is entitled to objectify as many women as he wants, because it’s in his “nature” but takes for granted that I’ll always be sitting there waiting for him like a good little girl because all I want KS marriage and babies. Its probably that I’m scared from my previous relationships where sex was clearly about objectification, but even with him I can feel sometimes he gets distant or stares into space, or just stares at my breasts when he’s close, like he’s got to objectify me in order to get off. I feel like I’m literally just a picture that he’s looking at to finish. It’s hard to explain, and it could be that I’m scarred from my past, but it just feels like the closeness is lost and he turns me into an image to finish, because that’s just what he’s so used to doing as a guy. I get that men and women can enjoy each other’s bodies, but I still feel it should be more than just looking at it from Afar. There’s no connection.

  • Wire Bead

    Liberal men fall short in all these areas as well. They may actually be worse than traditional conservative minded men, cause liberal men don’t just want vanilla sex, no, they want “their women’ to free the ‘prude” and engage in BDSM, anal sex and threesomes.

  • oneclickboedicea

    I take what I learned and try to use it to help other women survive and avoid such situations. Its the only silver lining I can find! Thank you for all kind posts above – you may enjoy knowing my daughter at age of 8 led her fellow school friends round playground on a march for children’s rights chanting for women’s rights are human rights! That’s my girl! xx

  • oneclickboedicea

    Amen to that!

  • Meghan Murphy

    What do “moms” have to do with any of this? Are you insulting mothers, somehow? Also, prostituted women do not enjoy the sex inflicted on them by johns, nor did Mel Watts desire or enjoy the “quickie” inflicted on her by her husband. You have a really sad view of “sexuality.”

    Also, I’m not middle class, nor do I drink lattes. I am childless by choice and don’t decorate shit. You are a sexist, sheltered, ignorant moron.

  • Meghan Murphy

    This site makes 90% of it’s money through donations, not ad revenue. As if anyone would run a radical feminist site for the money. You are very confused about how media works and who is making the big bucks in it. We are one of the only independent feminist sites in existence.

    • Cassandra

      Oh come on, Meghan, I know you’re up there noshing on caviar and sipping champagne in your tiara, thanks to all the mad ad revenue from a radical feminist blog. Must explain why there are so many popular radical feminist blogs!! So glad we’ve got that figured out. 😉

      • Meghan Murphy

        Ha. People are very, very confused about how media works. Mainstream sites that make millions of dollars and have staff are owned by corporations (run mainly by white men), who own many other sites as well. Most feminist sites that have similar status to ours had millions of dollars in start up money! We are lucky to not be at all dependent on clicks or ad revenue because we are supported almost solely by readers. It’s soooo funny to see people come here and talk about ‘clicks’ though, as if we’re Buzzfeed or something.

  • Meghan Murphy

    She’s tired because she spends her days taking care of children and doing domestic chores. Are you arguing women should stop procreating and doing housework? Because that’s actually something I’d support — are the men going to take on child rearing and chores instead? Because that’s be really great.

  • oneclickboedicea

    I’m afraid I do. I try to minimise contact, keep boundaries and not respond to shit like the fact he’s just returned child from holiday with him and dumped all the washing on me. It’s just not worth the fight :-). This will pass …

  • Meghan Murphy

    Women aren’t obligated to fuck you. If you think people here are going to sympathize with you “My ex-wife was so meeean and cruellll” story, you are mistaken. Have you ever considered why it is you equate sex and only sex with intimacy and love?

    • js271951

      Sex is a need. In most relationships the other person is not okay with you getting this need anywhere else, this they need to provide it. If the girl said, I’m not having sec with you anymore on any regular basis, but you can’t be with anyone else either before the marriage of relationship no guy would ever commit to such a thing. It’s the woman that is redefining the agreement in this case, so if the guy needs to leave because the woman refuses to fulfill her side of am exclusive relationship them that’s what he has to do and there is nothing wrong with that.

      • Meghan Murphy

        Sex is not a ‘need’. Food and water are a ‘need’. Housing is a ‘need’. Health care is a ‘need’. Sex is a pleasure or desire (a ‘want’. All that said, people are free to leave a relationship they are unhappy in, though I do think it’s ridiculous (and kind of selfish, frankly) that people act like sex is the primary point of being in an intimate relationship with someone.

  • Meghan Murphy

    They are awaiting approval. All comments here are moderated and sometimes it takes some time for a moderator to get to them all.

  • cocopop133

    Crumba. Apologist for the mens. And hey, did you ever think that hounding your man for sex might be hindering your success? Finally, believing that men will stop raping if women stop yelling about it is completely asinine. But carry on Joanna. I don’t have the patience to counter your augments further.

  • Meghan Murphy

    They came over from the Modern Mumma’s fanclub, which should tell you a little something about her audience…

  • Meghan Murphy

    The fact that many men claim sex is a ‘need’ does not mean that is a ‘well-established’ truth. Anyone with a brain understands the difference between a ‘want’ and a ‘need’ (even if the ‘want’ is felt very strongly). Are you certain of what Maslow meant in including sex in his pyramid, in any case? Are you certain he wasn’t talking about reproduction? I mean, can you truly argue, with a straight fact, that human survival depends on ‘sex’ in the same way it does on ‘breathing’ and ‘excretion’?

    • IJL

      Monogamy is a want, not a need.

      • Meghan Murphy

        I don’t understand what your point is or what you are responding to?

  • Meghan Murphy

    Ya but johns *don’t* treat the prostituted women and girls they buy with respect or humanity. That’s kinda the whole point. If they wanted to have sex with their equal — someone who truly desired them, who wasn’t just there as a thing upon which the john to perform his desires onto, he wouldn’t hire a prostituted woman. And lol about their ‘twitter accounts’ — those accounts exist to market prostitution, do you really think whoever is behind those accounts is going to hurt their own business by speaking negatively about their ‘customers’ or the industry itself? Stop watching so much TV and look at reality.

  • Cassandra

    POWER to give men a hard on. It’s so EMPOWERING.

    Not.

  • Morag999

    I’d bet at least some of the worst bullying comments came from the likes of “Bunk Trimble” who has left some of his offerings here in this very discussion. He seems to be very proud of harassing her:

    https://disqus.com/home/discussion/feministcurrent2015/the_modern_mummas_quickie_is_nothing_to_feel_good_about/#comment-2826410480

    • Meghan Murphy

      Ugh. Thanks for alerting me to this.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Trafficking and prostitution are one in the same. Trafficking would not exist if there were no demand for prostitution.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Sex is not a service. People are not products. We are anti-capitalist here, in any case, in case it isn’t clear.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Oh please. No animal starves to death by choice because they somehow decided to ‘choose sex’ over food. Like, under what circumstances would that scenario ever happen anyway? Also, there are zero people in this forum who believe it is a good thing to ‘give themselves to a man’ in a way that means he is entitled to sexual access whenever he wants it. I am opposed to the institution of marriage, in any case, so you’re really barking up the wrong tree on this one. And as IF women saying ‘no’ to sex is ‘psychological and phsysiological abuse,’ you tool.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Ya I know what it says on the pyramid, dude. The pyramid is not God. Also I don’t believe in God. Because I am not a Christian. So WTF are you talking about and why would I care?

    • js271951

      Yes, so you Meagan have redefined physiological need for us based on your own definition to fit your paradym. That is not unusual. The fact you don’t believe in God is also irrelevant. The only reason I was referring to marriage is because the article is talking about a husband. The extreme majority of marriages are based on a religious view of marriage where the spouses agree to be with each other and no one else with regards to sex. When two people agree to that and one of the people does not sleep with others and plans his life around the spouse based on her promise it is wrong of her to suddenly decide to no longer fulfill her part of the covenant. At that point the other person had no choice but to sleep with others. If one of the people isn’t going to sleep with the spouse they need to be clear about that up front… But then we all know the marriage would never happen in the first place.

      • Meghan Murphy

        Maybe things should change then, eh? (Also a great argument for the abolishment of marriage!)

        • Just Passing Through

          The sooner that “institution” can end, the better off ALL women will be!

      • cocopop133

        Why don’t you just post the holy pyramid again instead of this long, drawn out mansplaination. Saves time and money. Thanks.

  • Meghan Murphy

    You are full of shit http://www.collectiveshout.org/how_long_can_the_sex_industry_deny_trafficking

    Also, of COURSE the media highlights supposed ‘high class escorts’ to sell the myth that prostitution is a route towards wealth and empowerment. Clearly media literacy is not your strong suit…

  • Meghan Murphy

    Do you actually not know what science is?

  • Meghan Murphy

    People make all sorts of choices when they have no other choice.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Yes, pro-industry lobbyists hate feminists who push back against their propaganda.

  • Morag999

    “Sex is a need (see illustration)”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzkCplTjBN0

    • Cassandra

      He thinks that we just didn’t get the first pyramid he posted, so he had to post it again. SEE ILLUSTRATION. If he keeps posting that pyramid we will see the SCIENTIFIC TRUF.

      Also, he doesn’t seem to understand that Maslow’s work is *theoretical.*

      • Morag999

        “SEE ILLUSTRATION. If he keeps posting that pyramid we will see the SCIENTIFIC TRUF.”

        Ha! I don’t know why, but his directive to “see illustration” just killed me. Too funny. But maybe if we look at the pyramid hard enough, and long enough, something will move and a voice will speak?

        js271951’s (deliberate?) misunderstanding of Maslow reminds me a little of the “science” behind lady-brain with mis-matched penis. The way he and they take a theory/conceptual framework, try to bend it to their will/desire to dominate, and then try to pass it off as hard science. So utterly fucking ridiculous.

    • Cassandra

      The visual on his (see illustration) post is funny right now. His wall of text has to be expanded to include the pyramid, so right now all you see is the very top of the pyramid and it looks like a shark fin. *Cue Jaws music.*

  • lk

    When people say “sex is a need”, I cannot believe they are being genuine…in the history of the world, no human being has ever died from lack of access to someone else’s genitals…

    If sex is a need, I have some questions…how are single people not dying left and right from lack of it? How is anyone going through periods of no-sexual activity able to function?! And at what age does sex become a need?

    The idea that sex is a need is dangerous and excuses men’s abusive and damaging behavior towards women…it makes it okay for men to pressure their wives/partners/gf into sex when they don’t want it or are simply not ready,it makes having sex when you don’t want to into a good thing, it makes soliciting prostitute okay and it makes rape into something that is not a big deal ( after all, a rapist is just a man satisfying his “need” for sex)…

  • Meghan Murphy

    FEELING MARGINALLY UNCOMFORTABLE OR UNSATISFIED LITERALLY KILLS.

    • IJL

      It kills relationships. Just like withholding other forms of intimacy – like meaningful conversation – kills relationships.

      • Meghan Murphy

        But rape culture is good for relationships?

  • Meghan Murphy

    Wait, so is sex a ‘need’? Or is it just something Christian men from 1955 think they are entitled to? Because, not the same thing.

    • Just Passing Through

      You keep me in stitches !!! Love the way you handle these stoopid doods that come on here and wag their mansplainy fingers at you…

  • Meghan Murphy

    You do realize you are comparing yourself to a roundworm?

    • Morag999

      “You do realize you are comparing yourself to a roundworm?”

      Snort! Self-actualization is overrated. Copulating on an empty stomach is where it’s at, baby.

    • Just Passing Through

      LOL

  • IJL

    “To have and to hold” actually refers to property rights. That exact phrase appears in the deed to my house. Not the best argument for an enlightened relationship.

    That said, however, I do agree that you do not demand to be the sole supplier of something (in this case sex) and then supply it only at your own whim. If you want your sexual responsibilities to be as lightweight as that, then you have zero business demanding exclusivity.

    Beyond that, sex is supposed to be something good that two people who love each other share together. If it’s really such a chore to be sexual with your partner as all that, then you are with the wrong person, and you should not expect that relationship to continue much longer.

  • mail_turtle

    I think that – in intensity – the desire to have sex with another person is comparable to the desire to have children. This desire is not equally strong in every person, but it can be strong enough to cause serious suffering if the desire is not met. It usually will not kill you, but it can drive you a little crazy. Of course, it’s not a perfect comparison, because being unable to have children is often permanent and being unable to have sex is often temporary (though it is not temporary for everyone), but still, I think it’s a valid comparison.

    I think you should not pressure your partner into sex, but you should also not dismiss the wish of your partner for sex as irrelevant (if the abstinence persists, and one partner suffers, it should be recognized as something that puts the relationship in danger).

    • will

      “the desire to have sex with another person is comparable to the desire to have children. This desire is not equally strong in every person, but it can be strong enough to cause serious suffering if the desire is not met. It usually will not kill you, but it can drive you a little crazy.”

      Well Christ forbid anyone be driven a little crazy. Expecting to have all of your desires met is infantile. Dealing with the “suffering” of limitations is what adults do. You don’t get to fuck someone who does not want to fuck you, marriage or no. Anyone focussed on this form of “suffering” should whining and go help someone with real problems.

      (FTR, same goes for the suffering of middle and upper class infertile couples.)

  • shy virago

    js271951 you area biological man, your opinion does not matter.
    This is a feminist blog and you are obviously not pro-feminist. Take your woman-hating elsewhere.

    This is a very important post! Because if goes back to the question of patriarchal brainwashing.
    Intercourse is not sex!
    If it were, it would be wildly pleasurable to girls and women right from the start.
    It would always result in orgasm for women.
    Women would crave it and never, ever feel under pressure or threat to do it.

    Do women ever feel obligated for a man to go down on them?

    It makes me sick to think about any mother’s life, not just modern mumma, and all the unpaid work they do every single day – the childcare, housework, cooking, shopping, organizing, play dates, school, doctor’s appointments and no time for their own lives or anything she wants to do. And here’s the dad, pushing his
    dick in her face?!

    Sorry for being graphic or crude, but isn’t this the case? And for how many other women?
    So if unwanted intercourse is not sex, it must be body invasion.
    Or rape.

    • will

      “Do women ever feel obligated for a man to go down on them?”

      I’ve never seen a woman act as if her partner was not giving her something she was entitled to if he did not want sex with her . Most women I know have felt that it was because there was something wrong with them, usually feeling it’s because their bodies or faces don’t “measure up”.

      I wonder where all the dude blogs are discussing the issue of being harassed by their spouse into unwanted sex?

  • Meghan Murphy

    I wonder why ‘physical affection’ is equated to penetrative sex, though? And again, while I understand that sex is important to many people (which is fine), I do also think it’s important we stop calling it a ‘need’, because that isn’t accurate.

  • Meghan Murphy

    I don’t think anyone should get married. As I mentioned already, I am opposed to the institution of marriage. And I certainly don’t agree that, in marriage, a woman should put her husband’s needs above her own. Women have been doing that for far too long and it needs to stop.

  • Meghan Murphy

    lol. Thanks for the tip, tips.

  • cocopop133

    Yeah, but you should understand a dry hump only satisfies .25 of a NEED.

  • Morag999

    Gosh, she’d have to leave him, wouldn’t she? After all, he promised to stick his dick into her until the day he or she dies. I mean, according to his own scientific calculations, his dicklessness would put her in grave danger of dying from lack of intercourse.

  • Wren

    “This is the insane logic that johns are the victims of prostituted women.”

    Yep, thanks for that. I wonder if she even notices that Bunk Trimble upvoted her.

  • Meghan Murphy

    What I was pointing out via my rhetorical question was that men seem to equate sex with physical affection because it’s convenient for them. Men aren’t, on masse, demanding a multi-billion dollar “hugging industry” exist in order to satisfy their ‘need’ for hugs.

    Sure. Sex can be a form of physical affection, but what you said was, ” no man should have to go without physical affection from his wife for months on end.” It’s clear that you were equating sex with physical affection and that’s what I was responding to.

    The fact that society equates ‘sex’ to penetration and see sex as the form of ‘physical affection’ that is mandatory in a marriage speaks to the way in which we view marriage and relationships in a male-centered way.

  • Cassandra

    If you really want to be depressed, watch makeup videos on youtube. Hundreds of girls doing makeup tutorials and self-objectifying. It’s embarrassing and heartbreaking.

  • Gaiauchis

    Why would i talk with high class scorts from a developed country when we can clearly see that prostitutes from poor countries – most work in europe – are in disadvantage?

  • Gaiauchis

    Yep, the same as beating the shit out of your wife. So romantic <3

  • Meghan Murphy

    Turn off Oprah and get back to your husband, Cassandra!

  • coquelicot

    If husbands want more sex from their wives, then they need to earn it by attracting them, not poking and prodding at them like prattling babies for hours on end. Women do have sex drives as well, and a little something called foreplay and intimacy can go a long way. Also, I guaran-fucking-tee you if men did more housework and tended to their appearance the way women do, there would be more sex in marriages.

  • Bunk Trimble

    I’m not anti-woman, I’m anti-dumbass. Like this woman. She’s a huge product of the social media generation. You can sure as hell bet if I saw a guy talking about his sex experiences, whether he enjoyed them or not, on social media like some narcissistic braggart I would be giving him shit. I’m never impressed or humored in RL when random men tell me about who they’ve fucked or when random women tell me about how satisfying a man was in bed. If you’re a friend, that’s one thing, like my female coworker who’s 20 years my senior telling me about her sex life a little bit, I don’t mind. Nor sharing about when we last had sex with my male friends. The entire point of my comments is how degenerate and moronic people are when they are given smart phones and a Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/etc. Sex should me intimate, with either a romantic partner or a close friend, not broadcast to the world like you are cool for doing it. Or are just extremely unintelligent (socially or generally, or both) like Mumma and her husband. This has naught to do with “slut” or “woman” shaming. If I saw my dad had put online details about his sex experiences I would be disgusted, humiliated, and distanced from him. It’s not something a decent Human would do.

    TL:DR These people are idiots.

  • js271951

    will:
    She did redefine physiological need. Here is the real definition.
    Here is the definition of physiological (dictionary.com):
    adjective
    1.of or relating to physiology.
    2.consistent with the normal functioning of an organism.

    Here is an article referencing the study in the journal of science as well as another article published based on research in NY Magazine about the physiological need of sex.

    Now, notice it doesn’t say that you’ll DIE if it’s denied, it is a need to have “consistent normal functioning”.
    Now that you all realize what a physiological need is and that it is not as you tried to define it… here are the articles with the references to cite the problems caused by lack of sex (sexual frustration, lack of sex etc).

    69% (haha) of marriages in the US identify as being religious in the United States according to pew research (http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2015/06/02/interfaith-marriage/). I’m not saying that there aren’t “legal only” marriages, but even the oath you take at the jp typically promises fidelity and to have and to hold… although its not required.

    I want to take a second to say that I’m surprised at how some of you are reacting to this post. Not one of you has countered with any evidence. Nothing saying sex is “not” a need. Nothing saying or explaining why a partner in an exclusive relationship “should not” be obligated to provide sex.
    My argument is very simple…. if you promise to have sex with someone and in turn they reciprocate the promise and because of that you both agree you will not have sex with anyone other than the other person it is wrong to them later stop providing sex but still expect them to be faithful. Further, it is unreasonable knowing that sex IS a need (defined and proven in these articles, by Maslow, and with the definition I provided of physiological need). Now, if you and your spouse do not promise to have and to hold or fidelity, there is NO obligation… so I would agree with you if the majority of marriages are based on that (they are though)
    If you say its not a “need” please provide a definition explaining why… not just because you say “its not a need”. It absolutely fits the definition of physiological need, especially when science shows (see articles) that it is needed for normal functioning.
    http://www.feelguide.com/2012/03/15/wall-street-journal-new-science-confirms-how-sexual-deprivation-drives-men-to-drink/

    http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/04/report-denying-men-sex-is-like-child-neglect.html

  • js271951

    Cassandra… i think it is you that may not understand. Those are not “physical” needs at the bottom. they are Physiological. There is a big difference. A person can live without feeling safe, but they cannot function normally. Physiological need is defined as a need required for normal functioning of an organism. Sex is required for normal functioning in most adult males. Sexual frustration has many negative side effects including actual chemical changes in the body.
    http://www.feelguide.com/2012/03/15/wall-street-journal-new-science-confirms-how-sexual-deprivation-drives-men-to-drink/
    http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/04/report-denying-men-sex-is-like-child-neglect.html

    • Meghan Murphy

      But lots and lots of people function just fine without sex. Not having access to another person to stick your dick in does not cause trauma of any kind.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Plenty of people have offered evidence. I have not been to a single wedding wherein either party promises to have sex on demand in their vows. Also, the only evidence you have provided is this chart, over and over again, which does not actually contain scientific proof of anything. Another article you shared was about roundworms, who do not have sex for pleasure, because they are roundworms, nor do they have ethics, again, because they are roundworms. In a third article you linked to as ‘proof’ that men will die without sex, the author, Kat Stoeffel, is mocking your ‘evidence,’ which you seemed to miss.

    You simply don’t seem to understand the arguments people here are making, yet insist on condescending to them as though somehow they simply aren’t understanding all your Very Important Scientific Evidence.

    Actual real life evidence shows that putting your dick in a woman is not a ‘need’. Also, you need to get over your obsession with marriage as a talking point. You are talking to people who are critical of the institution of marriage, to begin with, and with people who would never agree that getting married means you are bound to let your partner put his dick in you for the rest of your life whether you want to or not.

    YOU are the one who doesn’t seem to be able to get your head around the fact that what you present as ‘fact’ is merely a ‘value’ and those are not the same thing.

  • Meghan Murphy

    So many exclamation points! So few arguments! DEFORMATIONNNNN!!!

    • Jenny Quinn

      Do you people actually have any idea the damage that this could do.

      This whole article is based on a blog that was not just taken out of context, everything that it is saying about the couple is complete and utter bullshit!

      And yes I will be that person that fights for our male population, because I am sick of dumb arse women putting all men in one basket!

      Yes rape culture is real, but before you go and accuse someone, that you have never met, of sexual abuse think about the consequences!

      • Meghan Murphy

        Why don’t you explain to us what kind of damage contextualizing male entitlement to sex, within the context of rape culture, does?

        • Morag999

          “Also, it’s been pointed out to me that Watts was harassed incessantly by misogynist trolls, before this post went up, yet for some reason her fans have ignored that ACTUAL abuse and harassment and have targeted those who actually support women and are analyzing the situation within a broader context, rather than targeting an individual.”

          Yes. It’s fascinating and sad to see this play out.

          A woman on the internet is, once again, subject to a deluge of misogynist verbal abuse and the response is a tepid “meh.”

          But feminists discussing the sexual power dynamics at play in the institution of marriage, using one example of a “modern” marriage publicly documented on social media, and the response is: “How DARE you? What about the poor men? Slander! Danger danger! Cease and desist!”

      • Cassandra

        DEAR GOD WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE MEN??!!!??!?!!!!!!!

  • Meghan Murphy

    Um. That makes it Not A Need. “Having negative effects,” is not the same as “I need this to survive.” Like, I’m sure there are plenty of studies that show men who are deprived of pornography and access to prostitutes suffer ‘negative effects’. That doesn’t actually mean sex is a ‘need’. It still means sex is a ‘want’ and that sex makes some men feel better. Like, who cares?

  • Meghan Murphy

    WHO CARES THOUGH!?!? Like, WHO CARES, if there are *some* ‘negative effects’ experienced by men who don’t have sex? That STILL doesn’t mean women are obligated to comply.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Do you think it’s possible that any of this has to do with the fact that men learn that sex is the number one form of ‘affection’, that they ‘need’ sex and are entitled to it, that our society focuses so heavily on penetrative sex as the standard by which we measure men’s masculinity??

  • Meghan Murphy

    In my experience men who are in relationships with women they AREN’T married to behave in exactly the same way this man does/did. So, no. It has absolutely nothing to do with marriage.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Tell me, js271951, when was the last time you were forced to choose between sex and starving to death?

  • Meghan Murphy

    Dude. Actually fuck off. You are an idiot, incessantly lecturing women about things they don’t care about. Namely, your male-centered opinions on male-centered sex.

    • Wire Bead

      Aaaaawwww I wanted to see the pyramid again.

  • Meghan Murphy

    lol. Maybe if you just repeat yourself over and over again you will convince us?

  • Zuzanna Smith

    “Firstly you have completely slandered the male population! How dare you! ”
    LOLLY LOL! Those poor menz, now they will be looked down upon, oppressed and dismissed for being male, oh wait, no they won’t at all.

    • Meghan Murphy

      WHAT IF THE ENTIRE MALE POPULATION SUES FEMINISM FOR SLANDER??

      • Cassandra

        LOL!

  • Melanie

    Define ‘normal functioning’. How many times a week should a person have sex to be considered ‘normal’?

  • Meghan Murphy

    I can’t function normally without coffee.

  • Wire Bead

    He should have just left without delaying and messing around.

    What a relief it would have been to his wife.

  • Wire Bead

    Nah. No marriage vow ever includes a promise to let your husband penetrate you with his fake penis. Or his original one. No one gets to touch anyone else without their permission. Remember, consent.

    You should consider staying single for life. For the sake of any potential future partners.

  • Wren

    Apparently lack of sex also causes men to troll incessantly on feminist blogs

  • Si Llage

    “I would say many men do tend to their appearance as much or more than women.”

    Thank you for sparing me from the rest of your posts.

  • cocopop133

    The horror.

  • Meghan Murphy

    OMG! You had to wait ONE HOUR for your comment to be approved! I’m SO, SO sorry because it really was a Very Important and Urgent comment. Moreso than everyone’s else’s comments, which also stay in moderation until they are manually approved. Are you ok, tho? Did you live?

  • Meghan Murphy

    M-O-D-E-R-A-T-I-O-N

  • Meghan Murphy

    Um. She said she had sex she didn’t want. And no, I did not accuse her husband of rape, you ridiculous, illiterate drama queen. Women ALL OVER THE WORLD are ‘affected negatively’ by male entitlement and rape culture, and I’m afraid that’s more important than how Mel’s husband feels about having to consider the way his own behaviour is implicated in that.

  • Cassandra

    WE GIVE ZERO FUCKS ABOUT THE “NEGATIVE EFFECTS ON MALES DUE TO SEXUAL DEPRIVATION.” ZERO. FUCKS.

  • Cassandra

    This particular comment is 100% barf.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Only posting this so you all can see what the rest of the internet looks like and count your blessings you aren’t there 🙂

    Also, yes, Bella Boo. You are so right about “Modern Mumma” being “somebody” and me being a big nobody 🙁 I’ve read countless of Mel Watts’ articles in mainstream and alternative publications across the globe! Oh… wait…

  • Morag999

    Bella Boo, you sound as though you’re trying to emulate a sassy-sexy attitude you came to admire while watching trashy TV talk shows. But it just sounds miscalculated and dumb. Perhaps if you spent a little less time dry-humping and finger-poking yer man for shits and giggles, you could smarten yourself up. Ya know?

  • Si Llage

    Morag999, you’re cracking me up mightily tonight, thank you!

    • Morag999

      There’s so much to cry and rage about, it feels so good to laugh sometimes, right? So many women here are cracking me up, too! I think it was all that super-scientific stuff — pyramids, God, and roundworms — that made us giddy.

  • Meghan Murphy

    So you think what happened between them should be described as rape? Fair enough.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Girl. This link isn’t helping your case…

  • Meghan Murphy

    Based on your recent comment (which I deleted) on the Megan Short piece, “Men are abused in the same ways just as often. Hidden even further from others,” it’s probably best you don’t say more. Thanks.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Oh you haven’t seen all those articles written by the famed Mel Watts, published in respected mainstream and alternative publications globally? No? Oh…

  • Meghan Murphy

    Sounds like you have a really cool social circle.

  • Meghan Murphy

    I’m afraid there’s no point in exchanging otherwise… You are intent on misunderstanding.

  • Meghan Murphy

    But that’s what you said? Meanwhile, I literally said exactly what I meant, despite your own efforts to twist.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Feel grateful you are free of the pressure to desperately seek male approval by throwing your sisters under the bus.

  • Cassandra

    We do know everything. There is no group of people who has a better handle on reality than radical feminists. Stick around and you will achieve enlightenment. 🙂

  • Cassandra

    Yup!

  • Meghan Murphy

    No one has a right to sex. Haven’t we been over this already? Can you stop trolling these threads when you are well aware that people don’t share your values about marriage and men’s right to sex?

  • lk

    What are you totally agreeing with? My story had nothing do with “liking sex” with this guy…

    My purpose in sharing this story was to show how awful it is when someone you care about pressures you incessantly for sex and makes you feel as though that is the only thing you are good for.

    You seem to be suggesting that it was my fault and it was not…..I should not have to tell someone that it is not okay to bully and manipulate a person you have just begun dating into sex or sexual activity. A decent guy would get to know me as a human being and allow sex to occur when we were both ready, when we both wanted it; instead of pushing me to do something that I clearly was not ready to do.

    The problem would have been solved had he seen me as a human being and not just as a thing to provide sex.

  • Just Passing Through

    yawn…

  • Just Passing Through

    You have a hand and some vaseline? Can’t you just wank it yourself and be done with it without using the inside of a woman’s body? What a bunch o mansplainin stupidness.

  • Just Passing Through

    God I pity the woman you are with (or will be with) …..

  • Virginia Howard

    The S.A. article cited above was published on April 1st, 2013.

  • Just Passing Through

    wow…just wow. you are just……..ick

  • Cassandra

    LOL!

  • Meghan Murphy

    Of course you have a right to be angry if your partner lies to you or disrespects you. A marriage does not mean that you are signing a legal contract obligating you to have a certain amount or kind of sex with your partner. I wouldn’t think you could even legally do such a thing (I’d hope not, anyway).

  • Meghan Murphy

    “Female logic”?? Go away, MRA.

  • Meghan Murphy

    I no longer believe you are married. I believe you are a lonely internet troll.

  • Virginia Howard

    April. First. What happens on April first?

  • Cassandra

    You missed the point of the story. He went and got sex somewhere else, then realized it wasn’t all that and wanted his life and his wife back. She realized she was happier without him and didn’t take him back. He got his “needs” fulfilled though! LOL!

  • lutrislutris

    Because it involves deception and putting your partner at risk of disease.

  • lutrislutris

    Sex can’t be that great a need for men, or they wouldn’t constantly punish and shame women for having it. The people who have enforced chastity throughout all of history and parts of the world today are men.

  • lutrislutris

    Why does he “need” to cheat, rather than just leave? He can divorce his wife and sleep with other people, why does he “have no other choice” but to keep one foot on her? You’re not just arguing that men need sex here, you’re arguing that they also need to keep their free nanny, housekeeper and emotional labour services.

  • pixieflower

    Believe it or not, not all woman have a sex drive. Just because a woman doesn’t want to have sex with her partner, doesn’t mean he is bad in bed. It’s sometimes because she has no sex drive. Have you ever had a kid and then breastfed said kid for 12+ mths?? The last thing you want is your man groping and prodding at you after you just had our child poking and prodding at your boobs all day. I love my husband. Do I feel bad that we can go over a month without intercourse? Absolutely. Mainly cause I know it’s my fault. It is something that I need to work on. We had a great sex life before our daughter so no it’s not him. He’s done everything he can t try and help me get in the mood and I push him away cause I feel sick to my stomach. Woman beleive it or not are not perfect and have flaws. We make mistakes, we have issues. Not everything in life is men’s faults.

    • Meghan Murphy

      But if you don’t feel like it or want to have sex or have a low sex drive, that isn’t a flaw… It’s perfectly normal. And men should respect that.

    • anne

      My motive isn’t to shatter your illusions or make you feel bad, but I need to analyse your comment because I feel it’s a great illustration of what is being discussed here. I just want to say that I empathise with your situation and understand only too well various sexual pressures entitled men (aka most men) put on their partners, while making them feel they are the real problem. “It’s not my sexual greed, it’s your lack of enthusiasm that is the real issue here.”

      You are not abnormal and you are not at fault. What you are going through is normal, and your husband expecting sex life like he had before your pregnancy is what is abnormal and rooted in male entitlement to assisted orgasms. Your internalising of these demands and self-blame aren’t doing your body or psyche any favours either. Your husband, I presume, has at least one hand, which means that he has no obstacles to satisfying his physiological needs. He would ‘prefer’ to have you assist his orgasms. Whether he is pestering you or making you feel bad I don’t know, but patriarchy teaches us women to accept male entitlement as normal, and our own healthy boundaries as abnormal. Many if not most women have gone through that. Sexuality isn’t indulgent provision for men’s every whim, sexuality is a conduit to intimacy, procreation and stress relief. Sex can’t always be ‘fantastic’ or of a certain kind, that’s simply not compatible with female OR male physiology. Men have invented viagra to make ageing men into teenage hardons, giving many of them heart problems and heart attacks, while women have been guilt-tripped into providing sexual services in relationships, regardless of their personal situation, which is half way to prostitution. There’s nothing normal about any of that, it’s just been ‘normalised’ in patriarchy. I wish you all the best.

  • namesareirrelevant

    Jesus, did you fucking come BACK? YOU ARE A RAPIST FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING ARSEHOLE.

  • namesareirrelevant

    Learn about how being a cum dumpster for men is NOT EVER an informed choice. Every little girl grows up just hoping to have a filthy, degraded animal grunt and sweat and empty his bodily fluids into her so she can pay for food. If you are a woman you are a particularly ill educated one who internalised misogyny to an absolutely horrific extent. Disgusting comment.

  • Meghan Murphy

    This is awful. I’m so sorry Cynthia. In my opinion you are very right to resent him. He sounds like he is being selfish and abusive. I hope you are able to reach out and get some support — perhaps there is a feminist counselor in your area or a transition house where you could talk to someone?

  • Stephanie Teller

    “They’re fixed by cunnilingus…” I am so grateful I read this. I came from an awful “Parents” website lauding sex that women don’t want. Every woman should read She Comes First by Ian Kerner and tell her partner what she needs to have a satisfying sex life.