7 tips for avoiding anal sex with men who’ve spent too much time on the internet

avoiding sex with men

Hello and welcome to Your Progressive Future, where leftist media lectures women on how best to suffer through painful and unnecessary sex acts because causing women pain makes their dicks hard.

Last week, AlterNet published an article by Jon Pressick (who is thrilled and amazed at the ongoing “technological advances” made by the porn industry — oh, what innovation is inspired when money can be made from female flesh!) called, “7 Tips for Having Anal Sex That Doesn’t Hurt.” Always looking to help, AlterNet, didyaknow, aims to “inspire action and advocacy on the environment, human rights and civil liberties, social justice, media, health care issues, and more!” More where, you ask? In your butt!

Jon doesn’t beat around the bush, and admits right off the bat that “anal sex might hurt and we all need to know that.” See?! You can trust him ladies. But naturally there are reasons you should go ahead and learn to tolerate it. Jon never mentions exactly what those reasons are, mentioning pain or the potential for pain almost constantly throughout the piece, but let me tell you, men love it when they get to do exactly what they want, whether or not their female partners are into it! And isn’t that reason enough? You don’t want your sweet dude heading off to abuse or exploit some other lucky lady instead of you, do you??

Dear Jon goes on to explain numerous ways women can go about pushing those pesky fears and boundaries down down down (as we all know, the most sex-positive thing women can do is totally ignore all their boundaries!) and just “work past anal discomfort.” I know, I know, you all are just dying to spend your hard earned free time trying to relax enough (idk, maybe try benzos?) to fulfill your natural destiny as Sex Toy, but before you get to it, I came up with a little list for those less inclined. Here are seven tips for avoiding anal sex with men who’ve spent too much time on the internet:

1) Does your man keep pestering you for anal sex, despite the fact you are very clearly not interested? Tell him to go fuck himself and move on! He is clearly either 18-years-old or a complete asshole.

2) Just stop fucking men. Most of them, lets be honest, think their dicks are more important than your feelings or pleasure. Fuck it.

3) Tell the man in your life you’d be more than happy to accommodate anal sex right after he’s read your entire library of radical feminist texts, from Big Porn Inc. to Andrea Dworkin’s Pornography to Robert Jensen’s Getting Off to Gail Dines’ Pornland and beyond. Have him write a 4000 word essay on each book and also discuss the texts with you and a (radical) feminist therapist for as many sessions as you deem necessary.

4) Tell him to stop watching porn. Oh, wait — does your boyfriend watch porn? Dump him.

5) Is this man a man you live with? Never come home again.

6) What turns you on?? Is it watching a number of men inflict sexualized pain and torture on your boyfriend or husband while calling him degrading names, filming it, and then putting it on the internet for the whole world to watch over and over again? Why not ask him to take a hot bath and try to relax and get into it — surely he wants you to be happy?

7) Let him know you’re totally willing to try anal sex with him just as soon as he grows a female body and lets some dude stick his erection up his butt.

I mean, just like Jon says, “When ass is offered up, it can be hard to resist the temptation of getting right down to business.”

Meghan Murphy
Meghan Murphy

Founder & Editor

Meghan Murphy is a freelance writer and journalist. She has been podcasting and writing about feminism since 2010 and has published work in numerous national and international publications, including New Statesman, Vice, Al Jazeera, The Globe and Mail, I-D, Truthdig, and more. Meghan completed a Masters degree in the department of Gender, Sexuality and Women’s Studies at Simon Fraser University in 2012 and lives in Vancouver, B.C. with her dog.

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  • Iona Robey

    Could not be happier to be the first commenter. This is titting brilliant. It feels soooooo good to read sharp articles like this when we live in a world full of shit like that.

  • Georgia95Luciana Todesco

    Oh Meghan, I’m SO glad you’ve written this. And again you’ve nailed it. Months ago I commented on a post singing the praises of anal sex. I had the audacity to say that anuses were not built to have things stuck UP them, but to have things come OUT of them. I said that, as far as I knew, there is no erogenous zone past our anal sphincter muscle; that is, in our bowels. Well, you should have seen all the cool girls come forward to tell me how wrong I am. I felt like a cloistered monk who’d just left her cave during the Middle Ages. One woman said the only way she could have an orgasm was with anal sex.

    What truly disturbs me is that young teenage girls don’t have the wealth of experience of us older and wiser women, and they’re being pressured into this sex act, not realising the harm that can be done to their bodies–and the fact that if you’re going to have anal sex, you need to start preparing the day before. More and more young girls are being treated for anal tears and perforated colons. A gastro specialist has said that nearly all his work is reconstructing and resectioning damaged bowels from penetration by a penis or a sex toy.

    • Marla

      Part of this was my original point with Jon in that he gave zero insight into the ramifications of anal sex on a psychical/medical perceptive only to focus his ignorance on all the “nerve endings” and how “pleasurable” such an act must be. A unilateral, biased, and poorly researched/written passing itself off as advice that is nothing more than another “this is how the male conquers the female” porn blog.

  • Lucia Lola

    I am crying from laughter! Right on, Meghan!

  • John Stuart Mill

    Rectocele, fistula, fissures. Enough said.

    • Melanie

      Faecal incontinence, an increased risk of anal cancer for women in particular. So sex positive.

  • And people wonder why I don’t date.

  • Furiosa Imperator

    I half expected a queue of homosexual men accusing you of homophobia.

    • Meghan Murphy

      They may arrive, yet!

      • OldPolarBear

        LOL! Au contraire! As far as this old gay guy is
        concerned, anyway. Seriously, hetero anal sex has been one of those
        things about which I spent a long time being vaguely puzzled. I started
        seeing blogs and stuff written by women who swore they were totally into
        it and it was the greatest thing ever, etc. It made me go Hunh? Oh, OK,
        if they say so, I guess … i was pretty sure that women don’t have
        prostate glands, but maybe there is some analogous anatomical structure?
        How the hell would there be any actual potential for
        pleasure?

        I don’t have any statistics to hand, but plenty of anecdotal evidence that a lot of gay men want nothing to do with anal sex. Even for those, like myself, who are receptive to the idea, pun intended, it’s more often than not a case of the experience not measuring up to the ideal. It’s something that pisses me off about most “gay” movies — homo sex is heteronormified to the point that the only thing considered “real” sex is fucking.

        It took me a long time find sites like this one to start understanding that all the third wave stuff was nonsense. I really appreciate Feminist Current.

        • Meghan Murphy

          And we appreciate you!

          • OldPolarBear

            [Sorry, I just edited my post for the weird line breaks, didn’t realize it would go back into moderation — I don’t mean to cause more work]

        • Independent Radical

          I also hate the idea that “real sex” requires penetration. Heterosexual anal sex is the worst in terms of pain, but we shouldn’t forget that gay anal sex and vaginal intercourse can hurt too, while oral sex has always struck me as degrading, since it involves sticking your genitals right where the other person’s sensory organs are in order to provoke the strongest disgust reaction.

          Most people can experience intense sexual arousal without penetration being involved. I think our culture insists on penetration because it believes that sex should be about conquest. A lot of women seem to like both vaginal and anal intercourse for what they call “emotional” reasons. They want to feel like they’ve given themselves completely to their romantic partners. We need to get over the idea that love and sex are about submission and sacrifice and proving your devotion and trust in your partner. Women (and gay men) don’t have to show their love to men by allowing them to harm and degrade them. Men should be showing their love by opting not to harm and degrade their partners.

          Nice to know there are political conscious gay men out there!

  • Rachel

    So well said! Thank God, you, and other women on here are brave enough to say it for what it really is. It’s hard to ignore the gradual increase in ‘omfg anal sexxx is the Bombzzz!’ From the cool crowd, too scared to either tell the truth, or admit it to themselves (not sure which one to be honest). Then men jump onboard and act like it’s ok because so many of the cool girls are banging on about how much they want it, along with slurping on men’s ejaculate and whatever else is edgy these days. All the while the men are just laughing inside at how ridiculous it all is and how well they’ve got it stitched up. What has our world become? What is it we stand for anymore? What is sex these days? It’s all a mess.

  • oh the hue manatee

    Stopped having sex w/ men b/c I was so tired of being constantly pestered not only for anal sex, but threesomes and BDSM as well. Also: constant switching of positions and neglect of both clitoris and g-spot. Porn has *RUINED* men for sex.

  • ptittle

    Love (3). That should be a sort of Bechdel test for relationships moving forward or not.

  • Michelle Rae Miller

    Why is it neseccary to have a female body to have anal sex? Don’t men have anuses?

    • Meghan Murphy

      It isn’t… In fact, men are built to enjoy anal sex, whereas women are not. The point is that this theoretical man has no idea what it feels like, as a woman, to be penetrated in the ass by a penis.

      • Michelle Rae Miller

        Right! Being a member of the LGBT community, I know plenty of men who enjoy anal sex. In #7 however it is stated “just as soon as he grows a female body”, I was confused by this statement.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Ha. And yes, it’s interesting to hear, here in the comments, that gay men also face pain and pressure, in terms of anal sex.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Aw thanks!

  • Meghan Murphy

    I didn’t. The comments here are all moderated so it take a while for them to be approved, depending on time of day. But reading your comment now, I can see why you would feel paranoid that I would have deleted it.

  • Meghan Murphy

    This was a bad way of phrasing it, but yes, I’m talking about the prostate gland — something men have but women do not.

  • Meghan Murphy

    How can you write an article about anal sex without gendering it? Men and women’s bodies are very different. Also, clearly the person doing the penetrating would be a man, and whether or not you named women as the recipient, it was very clearly aimed at women — i.e. people who would be scared, nervous, or apprehensive about anal sex.

  • Meghan Murphy

    xx

  • Meghan Murphy

    “Saying ‘no’ and dumping men if they are pornsick males is REALLY cool. It reminds men that women are human beings.”

    Yes. I also feel that it’s an important act of solidarity with other women. If a woman dumps a guy because he uses porn but then he goes out into the world and finds numerous women who accommodate it and tell him porn is fine and that clearly his ex was a prudish bitch, that will just reinforce his entitlement to porn/objectification. If we ALL dumped dudes or refused to date men who used porn, it’s far more likely they’d learn that watching porn was unacceptable and dehumanizing. So I think we need to set that boundary with men, not just for ourselves and our intimate relationships, but as a collective act of solidarity with all women.

  • Meghan Murphy

    I used that one on my first boyfriend, who was a jock, and who I knew would be too homophobic (and scared) to allow me to penetrate him. The fact that he whined about me not ‘letting him’ have anal sex angered me so much, though, that my ‘deal’ was really only to make a point — the damage was already done. (Not that that silly relationship would have lasted anyway, but you know.)

  • Meghan Murphy

    That is great! And #3 wasn’t totally sarcastic, because I actually do believe that if men read those books they would change their minds. I don’t actually assume all men would decline the challenge.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Why would a woman pressure a man into letting her penetrate him with a dildo if he wasn’t interested? That is not, like, a common thing that happens in our culture. The common thing that happens is that young men see anal sex in porn and want to try it out on young women. Mostly for status — so they can brag to their friends about it — but also because they’ve turned this particular form of coercion and pain into a fetish in their minds. Anyway, if people — men or women — aren’t interested in anal sex, why is it is important that they learn to relax their bodies and boundaries in order to try it out?

    • JJJ

      Sexual pressure, depictions in porn and relationship dynamics are all fascinating subjects here and worthy of more discussion (though I did address unbalanced depictions in porn “unlearn everything you’ve seen in mainstream porn”). However, the premise and presumption of the piece is enthusiastic consent on both parties, regardless who is penetrating. One of the tips is about communication—a key factor. So, again, those topics are definitely needed to help everyone, but they weren’t the scope of this piece. It was just “7 Tips for People Who Wanna” and the consent was established through the discussion on communication.
      As to relaxing bodies, even if you are super into anal and really, really keen, your body might need help. Just as in making that extra effort in the gym or running that extra km. If you are interested, you can do it. Might not always work out. It might hurt. But you can try.
      Where did I say anyone should relax their boundaries?

      • Meghan Murphy

        You don’t criticize porn itself, as a medium that sexualizes misogyny and violence against women or as one that teaches men that women’s bodies exist for them, you just argue it isn’t a good representation of how anal sex can and should be.

        The whole article is about relaxing boundaries — literally and figuratively. Women don’t *want* anal sex.

        If there were ‘enthusiastic consent,’ why is it that your advice to women is centered so much around all these elaborate relaxation techniques so that they can (potentially) avoid pain? Clearly the ‘enthusiastic consent’ isn’t there, because women are having to work past feat in order to accommodate a dick in her ass. Like, what is the point anyway? Why should women bother trying to have anal sex?

        • JJJ

          First, those are different discussions of porn. You’RE a journalist, you understand scope.
          Next, some women want anal sex. This is fact. Also, as stated, the article is about all genders.
          Finally, boundaries are something you are bringing into this. I did not write a book on anal sex that could encompass these many ideas. Would be a great idea though.
          Closing thought: people of all genders enjoy anal. People of all genders do not enjoy anal. The article is meant for the former.
          You have provided me many different article topics to pursue…or maybe a book.

          • Meghan Murphy

            You can keep saying ‘the article is about all genders’ but it isn’t true. You cannot decontextualize penises, where men put those penises, and why.

            Boundaries are the whole point. Women do not wish to have dicks in their asses, therefore you have given them advice on how to accommodate the dicks. This is advice on how to lose your natural boundaries. Women already learn not to trust themselves, their boundaries, their ‘gut,’ if you will. I want them to hold strong on those boundaries, not push themselves to relax or let them go.

          • JJJ

            How can you say the intent of the article isn’t for all genders? Did you write it, or did I?

          • radwonka

            Meghan already answered your question (her 2nd sentence): you cannot decontextualise men and their sexuality.

          • Meghan Murphy

            You can’t write a generic article about anal sex, again, because male and female bodies are different. Also, the context of sex is relevant here. Men and women do not share the same experiences of sex because we live in a patriarchy. If you were writing about men penetrating other men, I think the article would have sounded quite different.

          • Cassandra

            First of all, it’s not “gender,” it’s “sexes.” The male sex and the female sex. The male and female sex are very, very, very different things in our culture, therefore you can’t write an article about sex that is neutral and applies to both sexes. It just doesn’t work that way.

          • Wren

            No women would want anal sex outside of the porn saturated culture we women have not chosen to dwell in but have been forced into. How would we even know what WE actually really want if we’ve been brainwashed by stupid fucking articles like yours to be “open-minded”?? Cause if we’re not then surely the dude we’re trying to impress will find someone else.

            You can’t write this stuff in a vacuum and claim that you’re credible journalist. That isn’t fair or objective. And since you’re a dude writing about anal sex, you sound just like another creepy manipulator using therapisms to woo his unsure manic-pixie-dream girl into letting him stick his dick in her ass.

            No sex should cause pain, so the fact that you acknowledge you could hurt someone (but it’s the partner’s responsibility to learn to relax??) is just creepy as fuck. Why would you ever want to even risk causing your partner pain???? This tells me a lot about you, certainly more than you thought you were sharing, and this is why your collegiate platitudes offered to Meghan really piss me off.

          • JJJ

            If the piece were directed only at women, you’d have valid points. It wasn’t. It is for everybody. Also, pain is an integral part of sex for many people in BDSM. But that is another topic.

          • melissa

            “Also, pain is an integral part of sex for many people in BDSM. But that is another topic.”

            Ah, lovely. Another topic, yet you dropped it in here. I believe what was said by ‘Wren’ was “Why would you ever want to even risk causing your partner pain???? This tells me a lot about you”.

            So by bringing up BDSM are you suggesting men that want to attempt anal, even while knowing it risks causing your partner pain are sadists that get off on watching women in pain? And that its OK if they do? Because otherwise I’m not sure why you’d bring it up.

          • radwonka

            MTE. He talked about BDSM when it wasnt even the topic, so I guess that he admits that anal is about pain and humiliation. And of course: coercition and manipulation.

          • melissa

            Exactly.

          • Virginia Howard

            Why indeed…

          • Marla

            The principles behind a lifestyle like BDSM are complex and not always based in physical pain, Jon. You are completely missing the point here.

          • Virginia Howard

            Aaaah, BDSM… the inevitability of a woman’s natural masochism, so sweet (exclamation mark exclamation mark)…The triumphalism of this uber-cool sexual practice reminds me of the classic speech from ‘Gladiator’:

            “You should see the Colosseum Spaniard.
            Fifty-thousand Romans… watching every movement of your sword…
            willing you to make that killer blow. The silence before you strike and
            the noise afterwards. It rises. It rises up… like a storm. As if you
            were the thunder god himself!” —(Oliver Reed as Proximo).

          • radwonka

            @ everyone
            it’s official “people of all genders” is the new “but women like it”: derailling and depoliticizing again and again

          • soyouretheone

            I appreciate your engaging on this site. The question of whether women objectively desire anal penetration is an important one to establishing true consent. I want to discuss/contend with you on the statement “some women want anal sex. This is fact.” It is difficult, of course, to sort out someone’s desire for male attention such that they do not care if it can feel painful or degrading and their actual desire or pleasure in something. However, i think a good and possible way is to see if women ever exclusively masturbate through their anus, which removes the male or the pressure from the situation. Men certainly do. Ask any emergency room worker and they will tell you they have seen men in there with interesting objects lodged in the anus that they “sat on while naked”. However, I’ve never heard of or seen that with women. i would be interested if anyone, even anecdotally, does or knows someone or has even heard of women masturbating through their anus.

      • OedipaMaas

        “Enthusiastic consent” is a nice concept but given the gendered power dynamics that govern the way heterosexual sex plays out, it’s still not even close to being a universal reality. I don’t think you’re coming from a bad place but liberal discourse around the topic of sex tends to be really utopian and imo does a lot to enable rape culture/coercion/really bad sex because it does little to challenge these things. I don’t know if men really understand the degree to which the deck is stacked against us in sexual situations; a lot of women don’t really get the chance to enjoy it with anything resembling reckless abandon. I know that plenty of women genuinely enjoy anal sex but the vaaast majority who engage in it are pressured by their boyfriends/society/porn and find that the men who supposedly love them end up showing little empathy for their pain and discomfort.

        • JJJ

          You make a great number of valid and strong points, and I appreciate them all. I am aware of the pressures and situations and negative influences (and can only be aware given my own gender). My only comment is that we cannot move forward to a better place unless we all try to move forward. There was no subtext in my piece. There was no alternate meaning. Myself (giving and receiving) and some of my partners have enjoyed anal pleasure. Those who didn’t, didn’t participate. If I cannot try and present something helpful and positive, how can we move forward?

          • OedipaMaas

            My issue isn’t with anyone’s personal sex life, or even with articles about having good anal sex per se; it’s more with the fact that the progressive media fails to ask difficult questions about sex because it’s afraid of “shaming” and in doing so screws a lot of people (mostly women) over. Why, in porn, is sex so often constructed as an act of violence against women (even if some women enjoy it)? Why do we glorify women’s yes’s but make it so hard for women to say no? Why is “rough sex”, as it’s constructed culturally, typically only rough for women? Acknowledging these questions doesn’t mean denying that there are sometimes exceptions to patterns, or “shaming” women who like certain things; it means taking an honest look at the way our culture is drenched in mandated female submission. IMO the best thing that someone with a voice in media can do is ask these questions, because as much as we choose to deny it, sex is political.

          • susannunes

            “Progressive” or “liberal” men are the biggest sexist jerks on the face of the earth.
            They hate women even more than the men on the right.

          • OedipaMaas

            Yeah it’s tough to buy progressive men’s ‘outrage’ at the Donald Trump comments when they start crying “kink-shaming!” the second you dare question the motivations of male sadists.

          • will

            “There was no subtext in my piece. There was no alternate meaning.”

            Just because you lack awareness of a thing does not mean it does not exist.

          • marv

            “If I cannot try and present something helpful and positive, how can we move forward?”

            You are very fixated on anal sex and sex in general with the fervor of a priest administering sacraments in the name of a patriarchal god. Have you considered pursing something that actually benefits women like abolishing masculinity? It’s a real occupassion to move forward with.

            Identity crises can help people work past their own limitations to encounter liberation from liberal (and conservative) captivity.

        • will

          “I know that plenty of women genuinely enjoy anal sex”.

          And the handful of women who actually enjoy anal sex are not going to need an article on how to ease themselves into it, are they? This piece is clearly aimed at people whose somatic response is to protect themselves from rectal penetration.

      • Juniper Lista

        Let’s cut to the chase. You are insecure, probably with good reason, hence you are the type of male who wants to dominate women in an extra vile and nasty way, in order to reassure yourself that you measure up as a man.
        Quit making excuses to cover up your true agenda, (I’ll assume that you have at least a modicum of self awareness), and embrace your own issues instead of other peoples butt holes.

        Cheers!

        • radwonka

          “embrace your own issues instead of other peoples butt holes”

          Ditto.

      • Melanie

        Do you really think that the majority of men want kinder, gentler anal sex? They want what they see in porn, that’s why they ask for it. Why else would they ask for it? What is it about that orifice in particular that fascinates them so much if it’s not because it’s associated with the domination and humiliation of women, just as it is in porn?

      • Jonah Mix

        They’re not “fascinating subjects,” JJJ. They’re the conditions of women’s lives under male sexual domination. Whatever your imagined whatever, this is an article that shitty men are going to send to their coerced girlfriends or wives, and you should know that. Slapping a “BUT ONLY IF EVERYONE CONSENTS” cop-out doesn’t change the reality of that.

        Maybe if you’re writing expert guides for women to avoid being hurt by a sex act men overwhelmingly demand from them, you should ask yourself, “Hmm, why are so many men so interested in an act that is commonly known to bring pain to women?” Can you name a single article written since the dawn of time where men are advised on how to best accommodate their female partner’s sexual desires without damaging their bodies? Ever?

        • OedipaMaas

          Yeah I HATE how flippant that line was- like cool, good to know this is all a fun intellectual exercise for you.

        • will

          “Can you name a single article written since the dawn of time where men are advised on how to best accommodate their female partner’s sexual desires without damaging their bodies? Ever?”

          Yes. That.

      • Melanie

        Porn is ‘sex positive’ and ’empowering’ but we need to ‘unlearn’ everything in it? This is the point where you should be questioning the value and ethics of pornography.

        You must realize that all the ‘ass stretching’ that you mentioned is performed primarily on women. How can you write an article about anal sex that uses a photo of a woman, that refers to the abuse and injury that women suffer in porn and expect us not to think that the article is aimed at women? It kind of gives it away.

      • will

        “Where did I say anyone should relax their boundaries?”

        The anal sphincter is by definition a boundary. It is built and operates to allow substances out of the body, not in. You are clearly inured in the mind-body separation if you cannot see that an article that is ultimately a how-to on relaxing the sphincter ani to enable an object to be inserted into the rectum is all about relaxing boundaries. (Decartes would be proud!)

        The gross thing is that you situate yourself as a sex expert. Just because you are unaware of your disrespect for the bodymind and are oblivious to the realities that women live with, does not absolve you of responsibility for perpetuating and normalizing rape culture.

  • MJ

    A failing of modern feminism is the idea that women must behave and act like men to be valued. Women do not have to adopt masculinity in order to be equal, but must have the same opportunities and respect men are entitled to just by being men. Women bring their own skills to the world. The problem is that as masculinity is worshipped, femininity is vilified. That is why Patriarchy must be dismantled and men and women be valued for their strengths, whatever they may be without the Patriarchal message that masculinity is an inherent male trait and femininity is an inherent female trait. We don’t have to be caricatures of men to deserve respect and opportunity. However, we do have to stop toxic masculinity from defining what is respected and admired in our cultures.

    • Marla

      That was beautifully stated.

    • Milli

      Totally agree. Distract false or wannabee empowerment (which is basically only internalized misogyny) from the real one (respect for femininity and possibility to explore it in you – being woman, man or neither) is difficult today. We are pressed to choose the “side” in a world where masculine (traits and desires) means power and feminine means ostracism. With this kind of choice there is no pro-choice feminism, the only way is realize what is destructive for women in general (even if you, as individual, temporarily benefit from that), stop doing it, stop using patriarchal schemes and support each other in it. Patriarchy is cultural psychopathy.

  • OedipaMaas

    lol are you really gonna do this shit rn

  • Juniper Lista

    I think it would be fare if the man let you shove a coke bottle up his butt first. It’s always nice to take turns.

    • NagaMorich

      Yes with barbed wire around it.

  • Juniper Lista

    Just as men on men sex is in prison.

  • Cassandra

    Dear God, the man-bashing! Won’t someone think of the MEN?

    If you only knew how recycled you sound.

  • Cassandra

    “Saying “no” and dumping men if they are pornsick males is REALLY cool. It reminds men that women are human beings.”

    EXACTLY. Saying “NO” is empowering, and that’s why we are punished for doing so. When you say “NO” as a woman, boy are you gonna get it.

    No I won’t make you a sandwich.
    No I won’t be on the office party planning committee.
    No I won’t clean the toilet.
    No I won’t change the diaper. Again.
    No I don’t want to talk to you.
    No I won’t have anal sex.

    In this culture, true empowerment is doing the OPPOSITE of what men want.

    • radwonka

      “In this culture, true empowerment is doing the OPPOSITE of what men want.”

      Yes! And I wouldnt even call it empowerment: setting boundaries mercilessly is REAL power. It’s how everything starts. It’s how we start changing norms.

      “The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House”- Audre Lorde

      And libfem have proved that doing what males want doesnt help us at all. What have they done since the 80s? Nothing. They had 40 years and couldnt do anything besides telling young women that they have an “innate slut sub”.
      They just made gender stronger than ever. They have no excuses.

      Saying something like “No, I wont be your sex doll/porn star/sub/etc or I wont clean your toilets/shut up/change my feelings for you/hate my body for you/etc. You dont like it? Then gtfo!” is much more powerful, and can have an impact on society, than all the actual stupid slogans à la “my lipstick kills men lol xD haha” or “yes im a feminist and i suck dick xD lol”.

      I mean it is so obvious, that if women stop doing what men, they would free themselves at the same time (no more internalized male gaze, no more objectification, no more male entitlement, etc). It is really time to turn the tables, and women need to understand that not doing what men want is not the end of the world. Men will mock us, since thats the only thing they can do, but it shouldnt stop us.

      Just imagine if all the “female” magazines and sites à la Grazia and xojane replaced all their grooming articles (all their thousand of millions of articles about “anal is kewl” and whatnot) by something like “He wants you to do it and you dont want? Dump his ass and never allow him to come back” or “He watches porn? Dump him” or “You feel ugly? Love yourself, you dont need make up!”etc.
      Chances are that the world would be much more different. *.*
      All these institutions who sell products and “advices” to women create more insecurities and contribute to outdated dichotomies (whore/prude). *sigh*

      • Rachel

        It would be awesome if more women took a stand to porn – Ive told my partner where I stand with it now, but I have no idea if he does use it, and I have no real way of knowing, very hard to trust. I guess that’s also why women don’t take a stand. I wonder sometimes if they’ve fooled themselves or just trying to be cool.

        Completely agree – the world would be so different if the grooming articles didn’t exist (good job labelling them for what they actually are also by the way – grooming techniques). There wouldn’t be ridiculous “standards” of beauty which somehow equate to sexual attractiveness, as well as all the violent stuff such as expectations of anal sex. I know it seems less serious, but I think body image issues are also a form of violence against women – it’s emotional, and mental torture. Not to mention the physical impacts of all we do to our bodies to cope – starving, bingeing, over exercising, under exercising, pills, diet products… And then all the money we also spend on all these products to enhance our “beauty”. People act as though our cultural ideals of beauty are just natural phenomena – innate in our psyche or something. They refuse to look at how these standards are shaped. I hate using the word “standard” becauSe it implies beauty is measurable and comparable, but strip away our societal pressures and beauty is subjective. Not to mention, it isn’t inherently linked to sexual attraction either. People say “looking” at women is natural because it’s natural to be sexually attracted to people based on looks – as if it’s a given. But I disagree. I think without our conditioning, sexual attraction would be far more complex than just the way a woman looks. To me, sexual attraction based on looks, is objectification. Sexual attraction should be far more complex and independent of looks in my opinion. I think that’s evident in the way women don’t drool extensively over men as if they were sexually attracted based on their looks – because we haven’t been primed that way. Whereas that’s all men can seemingly be sexually attracted to someone. Of course, good looks being young and tiny in our culture, and therefore symbolising impressionable and malleable and easily dominated for men.

        • Meghan Murphy

          Of course I have no way of knowing either, nor do I have the time, energy, or interest to check, but I was clear from the beginning and my partner agreed to that boundary. I have no illusions about ‘good men’ and don’t really put it past any man to be dishonest, but my partner knows exactly why (like he’s been educated to death about the sex trade, obviously) it is unacceptable to use porn so at this point it’s on him to maintain his integrity. If he chooses to consume porn regardless, then he has to live with that dishonesty and guilt. What else can you really do without wasting your time monitoring someone?

      • Cassandra

        Yes, when I was writing “empowerment” I was like, “this isn’t really the right word…” I don’t even know if there’s a coherent meaning of “empowered” in the first place, at least not in the context it’s usually wielded.

        Unfortunately I don’t think any of the messages that women receive via mass media are going to change any time soon for a variety of obvious reasons. If women stopped doing even half the shit they feel obligated to do the global economy would collapse, taking many women down with it. Women can’t be liberated under capitalism. (I know you know this though. :-))

  • OedipaMaas

    Men “fear anal penetration” because they know how degrading and scary it can be to be in the woman’s position. And the people for whom this “fear” actually becomes a reality aren’t these men, but the women who are coerced into submitting to painful sex.

    • JJJ

      That is definitely a truly horrible situation, but not all anal sex happens that way.

      • will

        #notallanal!!!

  • JJJ

    Are you 100% sure with credible sources to back it up that women empirically cannot and do not enjoy anal sex? If so, please cite any.
    I can guarantee you, with 100% accuracy, that this was not written exclusively with women in mind.

    • Juniper Lista

      I stand corrected. Women with masochistic tendencies enjoy anal sex, but not for physical pleasure.
      Do you enjoy anal sex with other men?

      • susannunes

        I doubt there is a woman anywhere on the planet who “enjoys” it. They do it for fear of losing the loser of a man.

    • Tired feminist

      We’re certainly more sure than you can ever be, sir.

    • hellkell

      You don’t say.

      We 100% DON’T have a prostate gland, so figure it out, ya double bacon genius burger.

    • erpchan

      I dunno, I’m a lesbian and I’ve enjoyed putting stuff in my butt before. But maybe I don’t count?

      • will

        Of COURSE you matter! Please tell us all about how you once felt you did not want cocks or dildos up your ass then you read an article by a super nice™ man about how to let down your boundaries.

        Or maybe you didn’t need some dude coercing you into sticking things up your ass. Which is the point.

      • Tired feminist

        No, because you’re so obviously a fake account.

  • Just trying to Understand

    You must be new here. It’s a radical feminist website. The articles are from a radical feminist perspective.

  • JJJ

    The scope wasn’t medical, it was practical. I cannot write from a medical standard, I do not have that education. I do, however, have lived experience, which is why I wrote what I did.

    • Marla

      It also wasn’t informative, hardly qualifying your statements as “practical.” As far as living through something only makes your article as personal experience and therefore opinion based.

    • Melanie

      If you’re going to write a decent article on safe anal sex you would need to include the health risks associated with it, otherwise what’s the point? You don’t need to be a doctor to provide this basic information. It would only take a paragraph or two. Or were you worried that the long list of potential diseases, infections and cancers, or the fact that this is one of the most risky sexual activities might put women off?

  • JJJ

    Hi Everyone,
    May I ask an honest question that was pointed out to me?

    Is the fact that the image accompanying the article is a female body creating a significant first impression on readers? I know that many people are pointing out the content, and that is great and helpful, but I am wondering about the image and if I should speak to my editors about future image choices. I did not pick it, but I also did not raise a flag when it was published (and could be a learning point for me).

    I’m also going to disengage at this point (except for reading responses to the above question). I do appreciate and acknowledge the points expressed. I am always looking for ways to improve and this has been eye-opening.

    • Melanie

      I think you used the image of a woman because it’s so steeped in our culture to test and push women’s boundaries sexually, it didn’t even register to you that you were showing your hand.

  • Gaiauchis

    I saw this scumbag have daughters. Someone should check this girls out to see if they’re OK. Clearly “daddy” doesn’t respect boundaries. I laughed when a friend of him said he’s a sex positive feminist. Since when men are against something that make them and their dicks a priority? Some women forget that freedom is also the hability to say no. Apparently, all women are obligated to say yes to any fantasy men have, even when men can’t even make us cum properly.

    • NagaMorich

      I would tell them I would cum so hard to #6, but I bet before I was even finished explaining #6, they’d be out the door, in the car and hiding out in another state.

      This man is a Fucktard. This is just like that Hugo Schwyzer Facials are Feminist bullshit article in Jezebel.

      Frankly I wish alternet, jezbel, vice, buzzfeed etc would just die already.

      • Danielle Matheson

        I hate buzzfeed. Total liberal garbage.

  • Gaiauchis

    Women are not human in the eyes of men. Doesn’t matter how progressive they (think) they are.

  • Gaiauchis

    If this is considered feminism. Then feminism is DEAD

  • Meghan Murphy

    Oh goodness, you are NOT ALONE. At all. I so wish more women knew that. We need to get back to consciousness raising groups, me thinks…
    xx

  • radwonka

    Yep, a man who has a toxic sexuality is also a liar. Someone who doesnt respect women, like pornsick males, cant be trustworthy.

  • OedipaMaas

    And like…how would men feel of women were out here spitting in their mouths out of nowhere or choking them? FFS men get taken aback if you have the gall to say no to something or ask them to slow down; I can’t imagine how they’d react if we were springing violence on them.

  • NagaMorich

    Its owned by soros – not sure how “progressive” it is

    • Virginia Howard

      Aha! That explains my uneasy reading of Alternet…

  • susannunes

    Any man who wants this from me will be sent down the road. I will never, ever, ever do this for a man, not to mention other disgusting acts these guys get from porn. I won’t have anything to do with a man who is into porn, period.

    You would think that people would remember AIDS and all of the deaths suffered by so many in the gay community to know that anal sex, meaning receptive anal sex, is high risk. For hets, it is totally unnecessary. It isn’t just AIDS but also various forms of cancer and infections of a wide variety.

    Men are extremely screwed up these days by porn. Younger men especially. I am glad I am not a young woman today.

  • susannunes

    I cannot imagine ANY woman EVER liking this. They do it for fear of “losing” the man, who should just be kicked out of the house for demanding it. Women need to stop thinking about what these jerks want and do what is right. Women are so totally brainwashed into thinking that the “love” of a man is more important than their safety and their lives, and their lives ARE at risk for engaging in high-risk sex like anal.

    • Gaiauchis

      Years ago, a “humor site”, very famous where I live, made a video on “how to get anal sex” with the following tip: beat her on the head with a brick so she get unconscious.

      • Tired feminist

        Yeah I remember that. They also said men prefer anal because “it’s warm, tight and more humiliating for the woman”. Just in case anyone still had doubts.

  • Cassandra

    Exactly, Liz. LOL

  • JJJ

    To clarify, I continue to read. Sorry for the confusion.

  • susannunes

    Stop doing it to women. It isn’t about your dick and your desire for “tightness” or your prostate. It is about women and the fact anal sex is dangerous for them (as it is for gay men who are involved in receptive anal intercourse), it has long been known be dangerous (HIV/AIDS, HPV/cancer, and a variety of other infections), plus risk of injury, and it is not necessary to heterosexual relations. Lay off the pornograhy.

  • susannunes

    You are sick. Shame on Alternet for ever publishing your garbage.

  • susannunes

    It is also the dangerous position.

  • shy virago

    This was great! Meghan, you made me laugh so hard, because I have to deal with men every day (who doesn’t?) and most of them make me want to tell them to Fuck Off! And this is just in everyday life, nothing to do w/ anal sex. You are a true radfem and this post proves it 🙂

    • Meghan Murphy

      Glad you liked it!

  • Virginia Howard

    (Peals of harsh, staccato laughter) And I’ve learned about the sacred prostate from the comments below, the delightful gland that women should grow through sheer force of will!!

    • Tired feminist

      I preview a not-so-distant future of gay/bi men (who don’t want to admit being such) writing articles about how transwomen are better than women because they’re into anal.

  • Just Passing Through

    Indeed! She is like the wise sister I never had to warn me about the ways of the world… she is really looking out for women and I only wish I had found this site YEARS ago before I put myself through all of the stuff I am reading about here. I too was pressured (constantly pestered endlessly to do anal and I continually shared my desire to NOT do it but that didn’t matter to him) and I caved to it and hated all 15 seconds of it because I stopped that shit right in its tracks! and I realize now, I never should have …. I had no radar back then.. radar-less, rudder-less, floating in a sea of sex positive liberal you-must-love-all-sex-even-anal-at-all-times BS ….then a voice of reason came out of the wilderness lol… thank you Meghan for all of your good work.. You are so appreciated, I can’t say it enough.

  • OedipaMaas

    and then they have the nerve to complain about blue balls! kill em all tbh

  • Rachel

    Thanks for sharing your story – so glad you found radical feminism! I feel like it’s restored my sanity.

  • Kendall Turtle

    Maybe we should just start slapping there dicks all the time hahahaha

  • will

    Yes you are “missing something”.

    http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/women-being-coerced-into-having-sex-researchers-say-with-persuasion-normalised-9671395.html

    http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2010.02012.x/abstract

    http://www.feministcurrent.com/2016/03/13/growing-up-pornland-australian-girls/

    Sorry to interrupt your Festival of Denial and Gaslighting the Ladies, but you do nothing by writing this self-righteous drivel except demonstrate the sort of everyday misogyny we’re far too familiar with.

    Maybe take this advice from some dude: “Better to Remain Silent and Be Thought a Fool than to Speak and Remove All Doubt”

  • will

    “It does not have to be a man as penetrator or woman as recipient at all”

    Which is why het porn scenarios always end with the woman (or multiple women) reaming out the guy’s ass with something before she chokes him and smears his face with her bodily fluid.

    Oh, hang on….

  • Gaiauchis

    He tried tho.

  • will

    So true!

  • Césarion

    There is a lot to say about this top/bottom situation… In some cases, it’s a reproduction of man/woman, dominant/dominee relationship.

  • rosearan

    Well … there goes another progressive, social justice, anti-war website to strike off my list. What is it with these people? Their cognitive dissonance that makes one law for humanity and another for women must take a lot of mental agility.

  • shy virago

    I scrolled down and read lots of the comments.
    All of this brings up something I’ve been thinking about since my late 20’s – that
    penetration should not be called ‘sex’. That it is is obvious proof that we live under
    male supremacy. If it were sex, it would be wonderful for women from the very first time.

  • calabasa

    This is SUCH a big issue…it’s about ownership of women’s bodies, and men’s feeling that women exist for them to stick their penises into. (Would a man like it if, in the middle of sex, his female partner suddenly held him down and pegged him with a strap-on? No? THEN DON’T DO THAT TO HER).

    My first experience of anal sex was a violent rape by a much-older boyfriend, when I was seventeen. Thereafter I have ALWAYS felt pressured into it, and degraded by it (no matter how “gentle” the guy). Men who wanted anal sex from me? An abusive boyfriend, a complete jerk who liked to make degrading comments about my body and told me he was “scared of vaginas” after his divorce, and a jealous, sulky boyfriend who was upset that I gave it to other men but not to him (winners all, right?)

    I recently dated someone I THOUGHT was a good person–I was TRYING to have higher expectations for myself (not that I ever began dating any of these men thinking/knowing they were horrible, misogynistic assholes; I feel like I should now pretty much assume that from the get-go, and wait for a guy’s behavior to prove that he is NOT); he pretended to be feminist and care about women, etc. Not only did this person turn sexually abusive after I opened up to him about my past (because he seemed trustworthy), he forced anal sex on me after we broke up; he actually held me down and forced it on me. Why? Because I told him I would not have it with him (and, though he didn’t deserve any explanation–why should one be necessary?–I even told him why, since he had seemed so concerned, before, with respecting my boundaries). However, as soon as he realized I had been sexually abused before he realized this was a good way to hurt me and that defending myself was a weakness of mine; he decided to exploit this as much as he possibly could; it didn’t matter how great a partner I was, he always wanted more and began demanding more and more; when I refused him anal sex, though understanding while we were together, that was the first thing he did after we broke up: force it on me, as though it were his “right” and I were his sexual property.

    I am just disgusted by men quite a lot these days. I don’t think it’s even that this guy “wanted” anal so much as that he felt I had rejected him and he was, to make a bad pun, butthurt about it (reactance). The jerk I slept with who was “afraid of vaginas” felt that women had too much control in vaginal intercourse; vaginas were “scary” and unfathomable. My first love, who became physically violent, used to wheedle and cajole when I was on my period, because, well, I had to satisfy him *all* the time, regardless of how I was feeling; later, when I no longer wanted sex with him at all, he would wheedle and cajole no matter how many times I said no until at last, exhausted, I gave in, and then he’d have sex with my inert body while I stared at the ceiling.

    What is WRONG with men? Seriously, what is WRONG with them? My experiences make me never, ever want to date again. Someone tell me there are some good men out there, who care about mutuality in sex and see women primarily as people, not as objects.

    • susannunes

      What is WRONG with men? Why are they seemingly worse today than ever before?

      Most of the blame squarely belongs on easy access to pornography. As far as I am concerned, it is POISON.

      NOBODY today can argue with a straight face this poison is harmless “entertainment” for “consenting adults.” It is poison and should be regarded as such.

      • Katie MunchmaQuchi Smith

        I dunno, I think the “sex positive” crowd might be even more poisonous…..

    • Wren

      I do think there are good men. I think most men would be horrified by what happened to you. I meet a lot of good men, it’s just they are attached or I’m not into them romantically. I’m really sorry for all that you’ve been through, especially since it’s so recent.

      These shit heads aren’t men, they’re monsters. I can’t really offer much advice but I do think that you have the right to take as much time off from dating as you need/want. There is nothing wrong with being single. I’ve been single (other than occasional sexual partners) for 10 years and I finally feel that I can stand on my own two feet emotionally and financially so that I don’t have to stand for any of this shit anymore. I have a house and a job and don’t need any of them to survive, so it’s easy to cut them off if they turn out to be shit. It hasn’t been easy, but If I can do it, you can do it.

    • Katie MunchmaQuchi Smith

      ALL THE HUGS!

      I know everyone is saying “there are good men out there” but I have never known a single one of them NOT to at least be coercive. Of course, they don’t think it’s coercing if they beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg and beg until you do something just to shut them up.

      • ✧ʕ̢̣̣̣̣̩̩̩̩·͡˔·ོɁ̡̣̣̣̣̩̩̩̩✧

        this is why aziz ansari’s character on parks and rec, tom haverford, creeped me the fuck out. he was exactly like my ex, and “wore (ann perkins) down” from start to finish. i literally had to leave town to get away from him, and even that took a while.

    • Tired feminist

      {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

    • Georgia95Luciana Todesco

      Hugs. x

    • Fiona1933

      The man forced anal sex on you because he felt he was ‘behind’ (no pun intended) the person who had abused you. Also, if you told him that you had stayed with the abuser and not left at once, that would make him angry. He would want to feel ‘equal’ to the abuser. and you are breaking up with him. He wanted you to remember him in an ‘alpha male’ kind of way.

      He would have felt that the other guy behaved in a masculine, dominant, alpha way, and was in your memory like that. He himself didnt want to be in your memory as a ‘feminist’, ie, as kind, loving, etc….what the assholes term ‘beta’. “I’ll give you something to remember me by! Being ‘nice’ has got me dumped! Obviously, she prefers assholes!”

      I once read a book called ‘Son’ about a multiple rapist. The reactions of men when their women were raped were almost uniformly vile. Some were aroused by it. Most wanted sex as soon as possible, to put their mark on her again, erase the ‘smell’ of the rapist. Its really something..not primal, but long, long, ingrained. I find it hard to imagine happening in cultures where property isnt important.

      One of the women got a new boyfriend who seemed really great, Then one night, he accidentally grasped her where the rapist had, on the upper arms. She went into a flashback, screamed, and dived beneath the table. He crawled in, dragged her out by her leg, savagely raped her, and bit her, hard, all over, and after, he said: “Wow, thats the hottest I ever had it!” He had literally been activated by her terror. And I feel that when someone has been victimized once, they will continue to attract men like this, unless they become aware of it. It’s why I think forgiveness can actually be a snare, weakening you, where rage would serve you better. “How fucking DARE he do that!”

      Try reading The Road To Wonderland, by Dawn Schiller. Its about John Holmes and the horrific abuse he inflicted on her. But he never raised a hand to his wife: why not? She used to serve him his food and seemed to put him first, so why did she get respect and Dawn beatings? The answer is, Sharon Holmes was a woman of stern and uncompromising principle, who told Holmes if he ever touched her, she would kill him in his sleep, whereas Dawn was a frivolous girl who left her hard-working sacrificing mother to go off with her more entertaining father after he condescended to come back after years of having fun. Holmes feared Sharon, and treated her very well…when cocaine overtook him, she threw him out, and refused to sacrifice herself, whereas Dawn continued to hopefully forgive and forgive as John forced her to sell herself and broke her ribs.

      I think all women could benefit from this book. Dawn is full of forgiveness for John. Weirdly, when he died, both women suddenly and independently felt it and both had visions. But Dawn saw John going to heaven and Sharon saw him, heard him, dragged down to hell. No compromise. She hates him for what he did. I’m not happy about that woman touring with her rapist, it pressures other victims to forgive and has a knock-on effect

      i have gone off a bit, but what I mean to say is, this is programmed deep within the Western male. That woman is property, that men need dominance, that dominance is sexual and that its a competition with other men. Telling men about abuse is likely to make them feel ‘behind’ in the dominance stakes, because what is more dominant than forcing a woman?

      And so, woman must assert her own dominance. No more forgiveness, no more sacrifice, no more running after him and cleaning up his mess, only to have him leave you later. He’ll only hate you for it. Look at Bruce Jenner. Kris made him, saved his worthless deteriorating self, gave him a new life…and what did he do? Write a nasty book about her.

  • Hierophant2

    People have always commented about your deep stupidity and sense of entitlement about anal sex, so I will merely comment on this bit:

    “it is for everyone across the gender spectrum”

    Fuck you and your “gender spectrum.” Male entitlement is about men dominating women… which is what your article was about. No “gender spectrum” in anal sex.

    • Hierophant2

      Sorry, I meant “already,” not “always.”

  • Tired feminist

    ok let me summarize your comment:

    – not all menzzz
    – y’all menz haters
    – don’t question menz right to rape
    – but if menz rape you it’s your fault cuz you could just say no

    now fuck off.

  • Cera

    Er, has anyone else noticed that the original article doesn’t prescribe gender roles, and has a few things that explicitly suggest a male receiver (e.g. a link to tips for finding prostrates)? I mean, I like the message of the article from this site in general, but as a direct response to the OP it seems completely inappropriate. Anal sex is enjoyed by many people. In fact, it’s homophobic to portray it as an unfailingly painful, intolerable, sufferable experience that only someone who is probably deranged or doesn’t care about their partner’s pain would ever want.

    • Meghan Murphy

      You understand that sex is a real thing, yes? That women and men’s bodies are different? That only men have penises?

    • OedipaMaas

      “Anal sex is enjoyed by any people”
      And those people seem to be doing just fine! We’re talking about how women are screwed over under patriarchy and how the media’s narratives about sex play into that.

  • Independent Radical

    “It can be about connection to a human you know.”

    Exactly, sex is not a mechanical process where pressing the right buttons automatically creates the right response. The only sexual advice people need as far as pleasure is concerned is as follows.

    Find someone you give a shit about and ask them what they like, while telling them what your like.

    The end. Of course, I think moral/political considerations should be taken into account, but typical “sex advice” is utter bullshit. It’s all about reinforcing power dynamics and increasing physical stimulation, as if that somehow equated to or substituted for love.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Has anyone at all suggested we criminalize anal sex, troll?

    • Morag999

      So, so many commenters over the years have mistaken you for the Boss of the World, that I think you should just go ahead and apply for that position. You could have the power to outlaw marriage, pole dancing, burlesque, anal sex, and — what the heck — ALL the sex acts known to humankind. And then those commenters, who are so anxious that you’re going to take away all their sexy feelings, empowerment, agency and choices, will finally feel vindicated when you make their worst nightmares come true. Oh, that would be so FUN.

  • Meghan Murphy

    DISCUSSION’S OVER LADIES EVERYBODY GO HOME.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Yes, this relationship was fairly ridiculous too. But I tend to think all relationships that happen when we are young are 🙂

  • Meghan Murphy

    “Penises are not the only thing used for anal sex. Strap-ons exist and are used for anal penetration by all genders as well.”

    Buuuuuut it’s mostly dudes with penises who are always trying to shove them into various orifices, isn’t it.

    Please stop replacing the word ‘sex’ with ‘gender’. We are talking about dicks and the pain said dicks cause to female bodies.

    Also, you’re wrong. Judgement is great. Critical thought is great. You’re advocating for people not to have educated opinions. Which is dumb.

    • Cassandra

      Do you think she’d defend pole-dancing as “genderless,” too? I betcha she would.

      • Meghan Murphy

        But of course!

  • Cassandra

    “Move forward with what???”
    LOL I thought that too and was going to reply but at that moment I couldn’t find the fucks to give.

  • pyrite00

    With gay men who hate women like Zack Ford and Owen Jones and Jenner flapping their mouths about women all the time — it is hard for me to believe that anybody could forget that gay men have MOUTHS. Oh, and hands.

    • Morag999

      Snort!

      Perhaps their mouths are so full of misogyny, there just isn’t any room left!

    • Captain Arch

      Gay men don’t hate women. Women hate gay men. There’s a difference.

      • Meghan Murphy

        Oh yeah, the gay community is totally misogyny free.

      • genny

        Drag queens, in particular, most of whom, if not all, are gay, make women the butt (no pun intended) of all their jokes. Classic misogyny.

  • susannunes

    The issue is het sex. The vast majority of the human race is heterosexual.

    • Captain Arch

      Actually a much larger percentage of humans are gay. They just refuse to admit it.

      • Tired feminist

        HAHAHAHA no. From an evolutionary point of view this makes absolutely no sense.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Yes, the kind of control freaks who let you leave comments mansplaining to women about how best to address rape culture/function in patriarchy.

    • TheKaisho42

      Ok.

      Where did I mansplain anything?

      You are a bit too touchy, maybe?

      Not every word someone writes is some attempt to demean you or anyone. Not every opinion, contrary to yours, is an attack on you.

      Have I not a right to an opinion of my own?

      I am not even criticizing your article too much as I agree with its basic premise.

      The only thing that I’m trying to say, really, is all men aren’t shits. My wife certainly doesn’t think I’m a shit and, no, I’m not going to relate what type (s) of sex we have because it’s none of your business?and not Germaine to the discussion.

      The World is full of shitty people, men and women alike, but I’m not one of them.

      I’m a decent and kind man who has never forced himself or his penis into where it wasn’t wanted or asked to go.

      Never.

      Maybe my crime is naivety in that I believe most people of whatever gender are pretty decent.

      Maybe I’m wrong?

      But then, I’ve only been in one abusive relationship with someone who’d rather beat me than deal with her own anger issues.

      • Meghan Murphy

        I must be on my period or something.

      • Marla

        “The only thing that I’m trying to say, really, is all men aren’t shits.”

        Of course not. As long as women blindly follow their patriarchal paradigm impulses and those impulses lead her on a path to dissolution and destruction of hew own identity. Otherwise, she might risk being labeled a whore, a slut, or a cunt.

      • Tired feminist

        LOL. You’re entitled to an opinion. You’re not entitled to demand to be taken seriously.

      • Georgia95Luciana Todesco

        Laydeez, our lady brainz are making us ‘too touchy’ and too sensitive to hear the truth, as explained by the menz. And we’re being reminded that women can be violent too!

      • hellkell

        Did you miss a few hugs somewhere, so now you bleat your sad, tired opinions at women, hoping for the attention you lack?

        BTW, you are shitty. Barging in with your unwanted bullshit is rude, shitty, and you are forcing yourself where you’re not wanted.

      • Cassandra

        If were a decent guy, you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t be here scolding us. You wouldn’t insist, over and, over, with your walls of one sentence declarations, that you’ve got it right and we’ve all got it wrong.

        Why are you here? What is it that you think you’re doing? Do you think we haven’t heard everything you’ve said, almost word for word, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over from men who claim to be good guys?

        Do you have any idea how cliche and boring the #NOTALLMENZ thing is?

        And saying “You are a bit too touchy, maybe?” is classic sexist bullshit.

        We know better than you the way of the world for women. We know better than you.

      • Melanie

        When men stop producing, profiting from and using the multi billion dollar, globally distributed pornography and sex industry that shames, humiliates, degrades, injures, exploits, brutalizes and ruins the physical and mental health of women and that places their safety and lives at risk, then we’ll stop calling all men shits on the Internet. OK?

  • Meghan Murphy

    Yes, only men have penises. Willful ignorance does not erase material reality.

  • radwonka

    But how could you know? Rapists always deny that they are rapists. And men who pressure women, deny that it is pressure. So…

  • Marla

    Talk about countertendency. Must be terrible for you when others (i.e., women) don’t subscribe to your ridiculous puritanical logic on how they should behave so that the don’t end up raped.

  • Melanie

    I think that was the subtext of his piece. Move forward ladies, open your mind, try it, relax, it won’t hurt. Same old same old.

  • Katie MunchmaQuchi Smith

    It’s complicated. I’ve considered wanting to try it but I feel like I’d never really be able to for the simple reason that I’d want it to be on MY terms….and if a man is involved, it will be coercion. Period. I might be able to get around it by saying, “You first!” XD

  • Missy

    If gay men enjoy anal sex, then by all means, but they’re not the ones being pressured by society into doing it. In fact, there are plenty of homophobic straight men that cringe at the thought of gay men doing anal, but think it’s perfectly ok for hetero couples since the woman is on the receiving end. Homophobia doesn’t just originate from religious beliefs, most of the time misogyny is the biggest cause of homophobic discrimination which in turn affects gay men along with women.

    It’s pretty much expected of women to do any kinky thing their male partner may come up with to please him, even if it’s physically painful for her. No one should be forced into doing something they don’t want to and are not comfortable with, and it’s so disheartening to see how harming women for sexual pleasure is not only accepted, but encouraged. In our messed up, porn obsessed, piece of crap society, the orgasm of a hetero male is more important than a woman’s humanity.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Oh. Also, you are a fucking moron. All the comments here are moderated. Like, by a human. Which means NONE OF THEM go up immediately. No one is deleting your genius comments, bb. https://twitter.com/ceralena/status/794679532011696129

  • OedipaMaas

    move in the exact same direction and refuse to change anything, probably

  • Morag999

    “Anal is the only way for gay men to have sex.”

    Huh? What a ridiculous thing to say! Not very imaginative, are you?

    • Captain Arch

      Okay fine, one of them can turn trans but that defeats the whole purpose of being gay.

  • OedipaMaas

    ugh I see this kind of shit on ‘sex positive’ sites all the time- like, 10 ways to suppress your gag reflex because it’s your duty to shove a dude’s whole dick in your mouth. there’s no male equivalent to the sexual self-sacrifice that’s expected of women.

  • Tired feminist

    Keep embarrasing yourself, so far it’s been amusing 😀

  • Tired feminist

    What about the menzzzzz

  • Tired feminist

    Talk about attention-seekers!

    • Cassandra

      Talk about MRA mansplainers!

  • Tired feminist

    Ok here we are, a bunch of women saying no to a man insisting on being an idiot, yet he’s not going away. Thanks for proving yourself wrong.

  • OedipaMaas

    A lot of women are sensitive to the subtext here because we’ve been told our whole lives- via women’s magazines, via men, via porn- that it’s our duty to be sexually self-sacrificing, to put male fantasies above our own enjoyment, and to let them push our boundaries because if you aren’t a freak in the sheets you aren’t shit. There’s no equivalent to the expectations put on women in the context of hetero sex; by and large, we’re expected to risk pregnancy, deepthroat, have PIV-centric sex even though it doesn’t get most of us off, perform pleasure for the sake of men’s egos, and submit to things we may find unsatisfying at best and painful/degrading at worst. Men, on the other hand, still control the script, and get called feminist heroes if they go down on a girl for more than 4 seconds. I’m happy for people who have good experiences with anal but the reality is that in a patriarchal context (which is the context in which we’re living), anal is often something that men coerce their girlfriends into and that many men freely admit that they enjoy precisely because “women don’t like it”. Women have every right to be wary of this narrative. I don’t care if I feel “judged” because someone is asking critical questions about sex in a misogynistic culture; there’s nothing more sex-negative than shutting down this type of discussion.

  • Melanie

    God forbid women say no to anal sex.

    • Captain Arch

      Saying no to anal sex is about as effective as saying no to drugs.

      • Cassandra

        “Saying no to anal sex is about as effective as saying no to drugs.”

        Um, WUT?

        • ✧ʕ̢̣̣̣̣̩̩̩̩·͡˔·ོɁ̡̣̣̣̣̩̩̩̩✧

          at this rate, he’ll never make admiral!

      • Melanie

        Just say no to drugs Captain. Seriously.

        • Tired feminist

          LMAO!!!

    • Wren

      God forbid women say no to ANY sex. haha

      • thebewilderness

        2nd rule of misogyny: Women saying no to men is a hate crime.

  • Melanie

    These guys are so obvious.

  • Melanie

    Women can be more at risk to certain infections and diseases from anal sex. They’re also at risk of becoming pregnant from sex with males. This is because of their female biology and the male biology of their partners, not because of how they ‘identify’. I had Hepatitis C for decades, which is known to progress rapidly in women in particular as they hit middle age. I couldn’t ‘identify’ my way out of that. Material reality doesn’t care about word games or ideology.

  • Georgia95Luciana Todesco

    When you making your living from anal sex–you profit from it; you derive your income from it–you have a vested interest. As such, your opinion is not objective and not unbiased. You do not speak for most women; you speak as someone whose interest lies in profiting from anal. imho MM has been far too gracious in allowing your advertorial.

  • Gaiauchis

    Penis is male! Stop being crazy. Bye!

  • shy virago

    Calabasa, I’m so so sorry that happened to you.

    It is absolute proof that this is a feminist issue and has everything to do w/ male supremacy.

  • hellkell

    I’m guessing the women in your life don’t tell you much. I wonder why?

  • hellkell

    “Also, I specifically did not gender this article. It is not about women, it is not about men—it is for everyone across the gender spectrum. As a fellow media commentator, I get your hyperbole, but your readers should be fully aware that is your own reaction, not the intention of the content.”

    Holy fuck, dude. We, as Meghan’s readers, are fully aware of her intent. How stupid do you think we are?

    We’re also aware of yours, you post-modern skid mark. We see you. Right through you.

  • Melanie

    Sadly a lot of men see it as “you’re not worthy of your humanity” sex. I’ve seen online MRA’s go into deep philosophical discussion about how it’s one of the best ways to reinforce male power and dominance over women. That’s why articles such as this can never be neutral, especially when the author is well aware that this is the way that anal sex is commonly performed on women in pornography, and what men want and are demanding of women in their sex lives.

  • susannunes

    “Heteronormative.” I despise that postmodernist garbage label. The article is NOT about gays. Hate to break it to you, but the vast majority of the human race is straight. The article is about WOMEN and het men trying to coerce them into dangerous sexual practices–and there is NO denying AT ALL anal sex is dangerous–because the men are totally screwed up thanks to online porn.

    You need to take a biology class. Men have penises. That is one of the main factors making men men.

  • Meghan Murphy

    All comments are moderated. None of them go up until someone manually approves them. We are not awake and online 24 hours a day, unfortunately.

    • Tired feminist

      Lol Meghan, at this point I have to say, your patience with this moron is formidable. He’s now blaming YOU for his comment anxiety? Lol wtf??

  • Captain Arch

    Your artificial sex replacements =/= sex

    • Tired feminist

      Dick =/= sex

    • Zuzanna Smith

      For captain arch only a dick stuck in an orifice=sex.

  • Wren

    “Then, to add insult to injury, they get told that violating their own principles is empowering.”
    That’s a really interesting way to spin it. Makes me think about how the whole madonna/whore dichotomy can be used by the sexual liberals. And then if they’re shamed again because they were encouraged to break their principles they can fight back by going on a slut walk. It never fucking ends.

  • Wren

    omg I feel so sorry for your wife.

    • hellkell

      My money’s on her being imaginary.

  • Melanie

    Maybe it’s because you’re a man?

  • Cassandra

    Yes, only males/men have penises. Get off the gender crack. It’s warping your mind.

  • Cassandra

    Males and men are the only people have penises.
    Females/women do not have penises.

    It’s super simple, dude.

  • Cassandra

    “End of discussion.”

    Okay, Dad!!

  • NagaMorich

    “Are there women who enjoy anal sex without reservation?

    Sure there are.”

    Lol I bet they’re all looking for these unicorns and won’t stop till they find them.

  • Melanie

    Anal cancer, which women are more likely to develop than men.

  • Melanie

    After reading the below article posted by Lavender I wouldn’t be taking advice about anal sex or anything else from Tristan Taormino. I have noticed that there’s a tendency for ‘sex positive’ liberals or people who are into ‘consensual’ BDSM, ‘rough sex’ etc. to be very eager to encourage others to ‘try it’. I’ve even seen people into BDSM encourage women who’ve been traumatized by sexual assault or rape to try BDSM as some kind of ‘therapy’. You would think a sexually traumatized woman would be the last person they would be encouraging to try BDSM if it’s all about ‘enthusiastic consent’. It all seems very coercive in nature.

  • Tired feminist

    And doesn’t bring as much money, either…

  • will

    That man is a rapist.

  • will

    Oh my God. You are so incredibly, painfully, stupid.

  • Zuzanna Smith

    Lol!! Women centering their needs or concerns is soooo monstrously terrible.

    • Cassandra

      That’s pomo for you. If you don’t talk about everybody all the time you’re erasing them. Great way to break down movements, huh? Thanks jerk-off male intellectuals, you did a bang up job shutting down feminism from the left. Truly, really A+ hatred of females.

  • Zuzanna Smith

    Yeah, son, only men have penises. And the sky is up and 1+1=2.

  • Tired feminist

    Oh, why didn’t you say it straight away?
    http://m.wikihow.com/Fix-a-Leaky-Faucet

    You’re welcome!

  • OedipaMaas

    Lol I actually think this is a great idea, having actually feminist sex advice available when I was younger would have saved me so much grief.

  • Zuzanna Smith

    Because hurting menzz feelings is the wirst thing that could ever happen on earth, ever, pfffft.

  • Zuzanna Smith

    You are dismissed, bro.

  • OedipaMaas

    I’ve heard this same story from so many of my friends and I’m so angry. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

  • Tired feminist

    Judgement is a cognitive ability – which you guys seem to partially lack, indeed – crucial for decision-making. Don’t judge judgement so badly.

  • Cassandra

    Maybe you should take a course in Internet Sarcasm.

  • Milli

    Yes, it could be the reason. I was always fascinated with patriarchal concept of sex. It doesn´t make any sense. I wrote it somewhere before – originally, women are in position of power during sex (but good old matriarchal times didn´t see it that way because – hey, sex should be about connection, not power, you know, boys?). Penises are fragile, vaginas are not. Patriarchy twisted everything against us. You can feel it – men are scared of our sexuality. That´s why they try to humiliate us.

  • Milli

    I know that this is the question for Katie but my approach to the term is “experimental without being pressed by partner” (social pressure is different story). Basically stuck in 1960s…

  • ✧ʕ̢̣̣̣̣̩̩̩̩·͡˔·ོɁ̡̣̣̣̣̩̩̩̩✧

    you are right. imagine my surprise when a friend of mine revealed to me that hated the pain of being a bottom so much that he resorted to ketamine to get through it.

  • Leo

    Possibly, I’m afraid. : ( I figure it has to start somewhere though, right? These creeps are going to keep on with the coercive tactics, because they get off on the power dynamics, and because it works. The onus shouldn’t be on women to say ‘no’ and stick to it (over and over and over…) and potentially have to deal with the result (being dumped, and that’s a best case scenario), it really isn’t at all fair, women are groomed not to and the rules and demands are always being changed on them, but I can’t see these men being the ones to change, here – they’re getting what they want, they don’t have the incentive to treat women like actual human beings. Women give in, the men will selfishly rationalise it and tell themselves that ‘no’ really meant ‘keep asking’ all along. It’s a mess. Say ‘no’ anyway.

  • Melanie

    Judging by what apparently passes for ‘feminist porn’ I don’t think it even exists.

  • Wren

    I’m sorry that happened to you.

    But I’m glad you wrote.

  • Wren

    “You have that Power and you always have had that power.”

    This has got to be the dumbest statement you’ve made yet and just soooo horrifically ignorant. Like, every possibly yet remotely reasonable statement you’ve made here since you began your tedious tirade is completely negated by that one statement alone. Nice work.

    And, it is clearly untrue, since your wife hasn’t found a way to leave you yet.

  • marv

    Peculiar reasoning. Why is payment a rationale for abuse? Does someone who is not a girlfriend or wife have human rights to dignity and equality? Prostitution is the economy of the living dead. Please think feel.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Yeah, I’m with you. If you aren’t 17 and dating a 17 year old man, there is no reason your partner should even bring up anal sex with you. (Not that it’s excusable when 17 year olds do it, the point is that adult men who ask for anal sex are practiced misogynists, as opposed to just confused, ego-driven, porn-raised teenagers who think anal sex is a cool thing to brag about.)

  • I have.

  • Kamar Raimo

    Ok, I know I am coming to this late, but I happened onto this article and read this reaction and just had to wonder: What exactly makes you think that gay-porn performers are any more into it and any less objectifying themselves for money and other people’s pleasure than female performers in straight anal-porn?

    Edit: FYI a lot of “gay-porn” is actually using straight male actors simply because in the porn industry being a hetero male performer pays less than being a hetero female performer, but being a gay male performer is the highest paygrade. Another interesting fact is that female-on-female porn is the lowest paid.

  • Hanakai

    One of my best friends is an ER physician and after hearing stories from her about how many young women she sees with anal and rectal injuries and bleeding, I undertook some research on the medical and health effects of anal sex. The reality is that there are very delicate tissues and very complex musculature in the anus and anal sphincter.

    Seriously, Nature designed the colon, rectum and anus for output, not input. Indeed, the anus and the circular muscle around it, the sphincter, were designed to hold in feces. The musce which tightens after defecation. When the muscle is tight, anal penetration can be painful and difficult. Repetitive anal sex may lead to weakening of the anal sphincter, making it difficult to hold in feces, fecal incontinence. Women porn actresses who are anally penetrated only have a career lifespan of three to six months because of the damage repeated anal penetration.

    Infections are easily spread through anal sex. Penetrative anal sex has a higher risk of spreading STIs than many other types of sexual activity, because the lining of the anus is thin and can easily be damaged. The anus lacks the natural lubrication of the vagina. , Anal sex carries health risks and can and does result in medical complications, such as anal prolapse, lacerations and tearing, damage to delicate blood vessels in the area, increases in urinary tract and bladder infections in women, fistula, colon perforation, bleeding.

    The anus is full of bacteria, it is a regular Petri dish of microbes. Instead of trading those microbes via anal sex, it is better to poop them down the toilet. If something is inserted into the anus, it will get poop, fecal matter, on it — that is why doctors put on gloves and often double-glove before performing a rectal exam.

    Older people often develop problems enough with the gastrointestinal system and systems that have been damaged or stressed by anal penetration or painful sex will only be even worse than normal.

    There is no clitoris in the anus, nor any similar pleasurable nerve nexus, and that plus the health risks associated with it make anal penetrative sex not a good idea for women.

    If women are with partners pressuring the for anal penetration, the smart move would be to decline. Or read up on how to minimize risks (condoms, lubrication, methods, etc.) and make the man sign a contract agreeing to be responsible for all medical problems resulting now or in the future as a result of the anal penetration.

    Young men, raised on porn, believe anal is normal sex to which they are entitled. Women need to start countering this and the facts of the health risks and problems associated with anal sex need to be disseminated. Young men of good heart do not want to hurt their girlfriends and when the harms and risks of anal penetration are explained to them, they get it and lose the desire — some are even relieved to have reason not to seek it because normal adults seek to avoid contact with feces and excrement.

  • -Asphyxia-

    I had an ex try to have anal sex with me without even asking or any warning. It was so painful & I was so angry with him. (And he didn’t even get it “in!”) I dumped his ass. Fuck that shit. I pegged a guy once (we planned/discussed it), & it was really fun, the power exchange. I’d rather do that, TBH.

    Puns intended!

  • Meghan Murphy

    “To each their own” is a pretty lazy and disingenuous way to look at sexuality in a patriarchal culture.

    • Mmmeee

      (This article was written in a funny way with many ‘ironic’ expressions)

  • Pe Nelope Kay Greenhough

    ive known the dangers of anal penetration ever since i was a student nurse allocated to surgical theatre. i will never understand it myself since i was born with a perfectly good vagina in an era when there are many contraceptive options… heterosexual women think it doesnt apply to them, but most of us have experienced pornsick males with pornsick ideas about women and sex these days. we dont speak about it for fear of being seen as non pc… in truth, men will put their penises anywhere. what penis wants penis gets. womens bodies are just another series of tempting holes.,a woman is just a game like crazy golf where he gets to put his dick in the holes by negotiating through a set of small challenges. .. anal ex is not just about gay men. everyone should know what the very real risks are and every woman should understand that this practice is not and never will be about mutual pleasure.. even if she is the kind of woman who gets off on pleasing men. and lets face it, theres a lot of that about.

  • Madrugo Temprano

    “Peace of mind?” What?

  • Semolina

    I love you for this. Anal is an excruciating nightmare. Meanwhile my vulva was custom made for having orgasms. But there is no shortage of entitled men and brainwashed women who tell me I should learn to love it. They never seem to argue that men, far better equipped to love it than I do, should acquire the taste. Soon I will be hearing that I can have earth-shattering orgasms with a cock in my throat.

  • Semolina

    They want it to hurt. Penetrating a woman anally is a sadistic act, which is one of the reasons the Alternet article is ridiculous. This is why there’s a whole subgenre of porn called “painal” (a/k/a brutal anal, anal destruction, etc.). Check out the painal subreddit if you want to make yourself really unhappy.

  • Meghan Murphy

    Hysterical vitriol, huh?

  • Music Lover

    You just don’t want to get it. #SMH

  • Meghan Murphy

    Bye troll.

    • Hierophant2

      LOL… is he for real? I can’t make this shit up…

  • Habes Nicht

    Thank you.
    While it’s fine for a woman to do it if she enjoys it, but I’m convinced most guys want it precisely *because* it’s enforcing the recipient into submission and/or receiving pain.
    Rampant porn addiction is destructive. My exSO became particularly focused on inflicting pain and humiliation into me the more deeply he involved himself with online porn. I can’t put my finger on it, but he seemed more hyper focused on me replaying his online fantasies than actually having reciprocal pleasure. It became a nightmare, and I eventually left as he insisted I was the one with “the problem”.

  • Habes Nicht

    They don’t care if it’s fake. They just expect us to “submit and obey”.