It is your human right to have a fruity vagina

We all know vaginas are gross things that are bad and wrong and also smell and and taste and look gross, but did you also know that vaginas aren’t fruity enough? FACT.

Thank godfully two bros are here to educate us on the facts and rights of our human vaginas.

Austen Heinz and Gilad Gome of Cambrian Genomics and Personalized Probiotics recently pitched a supplement at a tech conference in San Jose that will not only prevent yeast infections, but will make your crotch smell like peaches!

The reason behind this innovation is, naturally, feminism. Ahem, I mean “personal empowerment” and “human rights.”

“The idea is personal empowerment,” Heinz reportedly said. “We think it’s a fundamental human right to not only know your code and the code of the things that live on you but also to rewrite that code and personalize it,” Gome added.

If nothing else, Heinz and Gome have an understanding of current feminist discourse that rivals 80 per cent of American feminist/liberal websites, feminist Facebook pages and Men Who Think They Know Things About Feminism.

I mean, it’s pretty clear that women would be better off, human-rights-wise, if they were empowered by fruitier vaginas. In general, if women were less like humans and more like sexually appealing doll-like things for men-who-don’t-like-human-women to be pleased and unoffended by, that would probably help with our having more human rights that would empower us as human beings.

So just in case you were beginning to feel like your vagina was maybe an ok part of your body, bros are here to remind you that nope.

This has all left me to wonder whether Heinz and Gome have ever encountered a real vagina. Because all the men I know like the way vaginas taste and smell because, you know, they are grownup men who are neither 12, nor do they hate human women and women’s human bodies. Weeeeird.

One can only imagine the ways in which an individual woman would feel individually and personally empowered by a fruity-smelling vagina. After all, women are always going around thinking and complaining about their non-fruity vaginas for no apparent reason aside from their deep-seated, innate, biological desire to smell like fruit. Especially on the inside of their bodies. Where it really counts. Fruitiness-wise.

I for one am certain that if my vag smelled more like peaches or, I don’t know, maybe a nice lasagna or something (I mean, who doesn’t love the smell of lasagna?), I would feel less at risk of being raped or murdered by a man and more able to pay my rent and have access to abortions, etc. Just like all the rest of you, I remember how back in the 50s when women douched, they didn’t get sexually harassed in the workplace and made just as much money as men did, too. Certainly they never got beat to smithereens by their husbands.

Oh to be a human. With rights that humans have. It’s empowering, I tell ya.

Meghan Murphy

Founder & Editor

Meghan Murphy is a freelance writer and journalist from Vancouver, BC. She has been podcasting and writing about feminism since 2010 and has published work in numerous national and international publications, including The Spectator, UnHerd, Quillette, the CBC, New Statesman, Vice, Al Jazeera, The Globe and Mail, and more. Meghan completed a Masters degree in the department of Gender, Sexuality and Women’s Studies at Simon Fraser University in 2012 and is now exiled in Mexico with her very photogenic dog.