10 things every semi-tall female with eyes and fingers should ask on a first date

I know we usually write about dicks and how gross people with dicks are here at Feminist Current, but I recently read a Stunning and Brave article listing “10 Things Every Intersectional Feminist Should Ask On a First Date” at Everyday Feminism, and was inspired to write my own version. For those like me who have been on a lot of dates but also know that most people are boring and terrible, I’m hopeful these guidelines will offer some direction.

As a semi-tall female with eyes and fingers, I keep close relationships with human beings and dogs of all sizes; they are true accomplices in the fight against dogphobia, semi-tall supremacy, and the feeling of emptiness and despair I assume comes along with being dogless. If you’re not going to support dogs, then we can’t be friends, let alone date. The puppo is political.

Beyond the hugs, happiness, and conversation that we receive from our platonic pets (which are, in all honesty, soul-feeding and essential), feminists also date! But there are questions we have to ask before we get close to someone.

1) Do you believe that dogs are better than people?

Yes? Wonderful. Let’s start here. There are three categories that are non-negotiables for me: an understanding that dogs sleep in the bed, that dog-feelings are more important than human-feelings, and that I love my dog more than you. Anyone who doesn’t understand these rules is probably going to feel bad about how much more I like my dog than them.

I don’t want to have to have labourious discussions where I have to prove to someone that dogs rule and cats drool. If they are willing to learn and listen and make the space to decenter their wrong ideas about our dog lords, that’s a good place to start.

2) What are your thoughts on pepperoni and beef jerky?

The cured meat binary is a tiny box and I wish it didn’t exist, but it does. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who is salamiphobic. One out of many important elements to dismantling cured meat bigotry is to abolish people who don’t like beef jerky as well as the limited understanding that we have about pepperoni. I can’t imagine being with someone who is salamiphobic — as a semi-tall female with eyes and fingers, it would be a betrayal of what I like to eat with my dog. Ignoring my identity as someone who likes to share beef jerky with her dog would be to deny that I exist, meaning that I would be dead.

3) How do you work to pretend to be interesting?

I’ve met some incredibly boring (incbor) men. They say they have interests, but their interests are bad. Sometimes they don’t like dogs and beef jerky, sometimes they think that “running” is an interest. Maybe they love us as much as they love running, but running is awful. It is crucial for incbor men to learn how to decenter their lack of interesting interests in order for them to understand that I don’t want to hear a single word come out of their stupid mouths.

Beyond Conversation Skills 101 (ask questions, you fucking nob), does the person you are with understand that you are more interesting than they are and that they should probably stfu and bring you some beef jerky? Are they willing to learn if they don’t? Being boring is worse than the pay gap. Walk away from anyone who believes they are interesting when they are not but who refuses to stop talking nonetheless.

4) What are your thoughts on all the TV shows I like?

You may scratch your head at this one, but much like salamiphobia and anti-dog bigotry, I can’t date you if you don’t like the TV shows I like. Not really into Bob’s Burgers? You have a bad sense of humour, which means you are insufferable.

Likewise, if you didn’t watch the original Twin Peaks and don’t love Julia Louis-Dreyfus, I don’t know why we are having this conversation.

5) Are you a supporter of exercising in the morning on weekends? Do you think board games are fun? Plus, you don’t have a dog? Is this life? 

6) Who is your favorite couple on Vanderpump Rules?

lol trick question obviously it’s Tom and Ariana.

7) Do you think putting mushrooms on a pizza is acceptable?

Pizza is imperative. If your date wants to ruin your pizza with mushrooms, there is a good chance they are gross.

8) Can it be illegal to put mushrooms on a pizza?

Of course. We live on a tiny planet, with land and water within a galaxy surrounded by a universe with an inconceivable number of other galaxies and planets. Yet, here, we can have any kind of pizza we want and are, therefore, allowed to stop doing disgusting things to pizza. It’s mind-boggling that mushrooms are even a thing; to put them on pizza inhumane and despicable.

9) Will you please bring me some prosecco?

I can’t think of any other passion which has been vilified and lied about more than drinking and how great it is to drink. I don’t identify as an alcoholic, so I will stay in my lane, but I cannot imagine for a second even claiming to be a really great person to be around if I didn’t love numerous forms of alcohol, including wine, whiskey, and prosecco.

Don’t waste your time and energy on dating someone who won’t buy you shots of whiskey at the bar or who won’t open your prosecco for you because you are 38-years-old but still too scared to do it yourself.

10) Does your allyship include douchebags?

On a date with someone who openly enjoys EDM? Do they read self-help books or identify as “a free spirit”? Wait, are those sunglasses on his hat? Have you been sitting across from this person for two hours and they still don’t know what you do for work, how your day was, or whether or not you like green-flavoured candy or wear jeans inside your house (not, you freak)? Why is this happening to you when you could be at home on the couch, in no-elastic sweatpants, sharing beef jerky with your dog? Walk away.

Meghan Murphy

Founder & Editor

Meghan Murphy is a freelance writer and journalist from Vancouver, BC. She has been podcasting and writing about feminism since 2010 and has published work in numerous national and international publications, including The Spectator, UnHerd, Quillette, the CBC, New Statesman, Vice, Al Jazeera, The Globe and Mail, and more. Meghan completed a Masters degree in the department of Gender, Sexuality and Women’s Studies at Simon Fraser University in 2012 and is now exiled in Mexico with her very photogenic dog.