Munroe Bergdorf would like you to please keep your vaginas out of his feminism

Female bodies in feminism? Not on our watch!

In case you were unaware, we have now entered the new epoch, wherein feminism has succeeded beyond all expectations, so much so that women have been rendered nonexistent. Women’s rights have overflowed into such excess that men have been forced to take up the role of Oppressed Class, and educate non-men on the correct approach to self-hatred.

Trans model and recently appointed member of the LGBT+ advisory board for the Labour Party, Munroe Bergdorf, recently demonstrated his allegiance to New Feminism by demanding those formerly known as women stop talking about our bodies at our feminist marches, lest we alienate mankind by acknowledging the fact that all of mankind comes out of our vaginas (also by advocating empowerment through cutting up your face in order to appear more feminine and buying makeup).

Today, he has further demonstrated his generosity towards ex-women, gifting us his feminist leadership via an article for Grazia about how the vagina’d are getting vagina all over his feminism.

“Feminism: the advocacy of women’s rights based on the equality of the sexes. A simple enough concept, right? Wrong!”, Bergdorf writes. “This is 2018 and if the past two years have taught us anything, it’s that feminism isn’t for women, it’s for everyone except women, and it’s particularly not for women who have human female bodies, which came out of the box defective, full of holes and with missing parts.” Perhaps not a direct quote, but my ovaries are really a pair of extra eyes that allow me to read between the lines. Neat!

Bergdorf goes on to explain that “woman” no longer means anything, and that no one really knows what one is anymore; maybe it is your mom, but also maybe it is that old banana you bought thinking maybe you would start eating fruit in the New Year but that now has become a part of the basket on top of your microwave.

It is specifically because “woman” is now everything from an old banana to the collection of hair behind your bathroom door, and also possibly your mom, though we will never know for certain, that feminism must serve as an inclusive tool of liberation for all old bananas and other feminine-type experiences (that means you, no-elastic leopard print thong from 2005!), not just some (#notallwomensavealltheir2005leopardprintthongs). “This is where so many women are still getting it wrong,” Bergdorf explains.

Lest you get stuck here, wondering, “If an old banana can be a woman, why can’t I, with my woolen pink vagina that also has cat ears?”, Bergdorf would like you to know that that the hot pink vagina that allows babies to emerge from your skull drives woman-types things apart. Our attempt at uniting females failed, he argues, explicitly because we acknowledged females share something in common, causing them to be an oppressed class of people under patriarchy. It’s impossible to know what the thing we share in common that leads us to be oppressed is, of course, but it’s probably the fact that men hate old bananas, don’t have hair collections behind their bathroom doors, and hardly ever give birth via pink cat ear hats.

Bergdorf tried to warn us that the Women’s March was not for female-women, but for everyone. He also reminds us that things that seem “fun,” “inoffensive,” and unifying for those-formerly-known-as-women are bad, because “women” defining themselves and their own movements excludes people who aren’t “women.” (Please don’t tell him about this year’s Old Banana March.) “I said,” he writes, relishing in his own words, “for the [Women’s March] to be truly progressive, it should focus on elevating the voices and experiences of those who are most often silenced and ignored in society.” One can assume these voices are not those of ex-women, because everyone knows the previously-women have never been silenced and ignored in society and clearly aren’t being silenced and ignored now, while being lectured by a male about how they should not discuss their own bodies at the Women’s March.

To Bergdorf’s shock and awe, his pre-Women’s March lecture did not go over well with the vagina’d. And to be fair, it is truly amazing that in a world wherein females have been rendered invisible in politics, art, literature, and history, for centuries, we wouldn’t center the feelings of men in our activism. Bergdorf “longs” for the day more non-men who have clawed their way into positions of power and visibility use those platforms to talk about issues affecting men who are now dictating what we are and how we may discuss our bodies and liberation. And I, for one, cannot wait. The reign of vaginas and old bananas has gone too far. Not all knitted pink hats with cat ears are literal vaginas, and not all owners of no-elastic leopard print thongs from 2005 are women!

Meghan Murphy
Meghan Murphy

Founder & Editor

Meghan Murphy is a freelance writer and journalist. She has been podcasting and writing about feminism since 2010 and has published work in numerous national and international publications, including The Spectator, UnHerd, the CBC, New Statesman, Vice, Al Jazeera, The Globe and Mail, and more. Meghan completed a Masters degree in the department of Gender, Sexuality and Women’s Studies at Simon Fraser University in 2012 and lives in Vancouver, B.C. with her dog.

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